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Music coming to cafeteriasMary Dixon, Director of the Student Life Committee, announced yesterday that beginning next semester, university cafeterias will broadcast classical music during mealtimes. “Music will foster a more relaxed atmosphere, ” said v.1

Music coming to cafeteriasMary Dixon, Director of the Student Life Committee, announced yesterday that beginning next semester, university cafeterias will broadcast classical music during mealtimes. “Music will foster a more relaxed atmosphere, ” said v. 1
It is argued by some that virtual visiting of museums and art galleries on the internet can be substituted with the usual one. I completely agree with this opinion and think a hectic lifestyle spontaneously leads to finding a new way to visit those places. First of all, the style of life nowadays has been doing some limitations on people's behaviours rather than types of entertainment and allocate appropriate time to visit museums and art galleries cannot situate in priorities. For instance, when people from all walks of life want to work in a long time to earn enough income corresponds with living costs, finding enough time for spending on such hobbies does not affordable therefore tackling a way to respond to this matter will be possible in virtual visiting through the internet. Another point to consider is that accessibility of some museums and art galleries because of cost and destination is considered a big challenge for visitors, which can be managed with new technology such as simulation of them on the internet. For example, In Iran, a big section of people have not the opportunity to travel Egyptian pyramids or Louver Museum, therefore, technologies of artificial intelligence and virtual reality can simulate reality to give a complete sensation of reality. To conclude, I strongly believe that simulation of Museums and art galleries, on the internet, is more beneficial than visiting those places because it saves time and money and on the other hand, these technologies discard the need for travelling to a far destination.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that virtual visiting of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
on the internet can
be substituted
with the usual one. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
a hectic lifestyle
spontaneously
leads to finding a new way to visit those places.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the style of life nowadays has been doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
limitations on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
rather
than types of entertainment and allocate appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
cannot situate in priorities.
For instance
, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from all walks of life want to work in a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
income corresponds with living costs, finding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for spending on such hobbies does not affordable
therefore
tackling a way to respond to this matter will be possible in virtual visiting through the internet.

Another point to consider is that accessibility of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of cost and destination
is considered
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
challenge for visitors, which can
be managed
with new technology such as simulation of them on the internet.
For example
, In Iran, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
section of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have not the opportunity to travel Egyptian pyramids or Louver
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
,
therefore
, technologies of artificial intelligence and virtual reality can simulate reality to give a complete sensation of reality.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that simulation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
, on the internet, is more beneficial than visiting those places
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it saves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and money and
on the other hand
, these technologies discard the need for travelling to a far destination.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Music coming to cafeteriasMary Dixon, Director of the Student Life Committee, announced yesterday that beginning next semester, university cafeterias will broadcast classical music during mealtimes. “Music will foster a more relaxed atmosphere, ” said v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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