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Many people prefer watching music videos on television or the Internet rather than listening to the songs on their own. Which way of experiencing music do you think is preferable and why? v.1

Many people prefer watching music videos on television or the Internet rather than listening to the songs on their own. Which way of experiencing music do you think is preferable and why? v. 1
Different situations can enter into one’s life regarding position and financial issues. A certain amount of people advocates that problems such as unwanted workplace or running out of money should be accepted whereas others debate that such conditions should be improved. This essay will discuss why some people believe that accepting the critical situations is better, but why it is much more better in my opinion to overcome with these difficulties. Unsatisfactory career or shortage of money is found among different people in every society. The unemployment has left people with no option except to take a workplace which is not relevant to their field and hence it leads to lack of interest and satisfaction. For instance, it is found in a recent research that 40% of people in the world are not working in their corresponding fields. Therefore, some people believe on the basis of this finding that it is good to accept the current situation of oneself. However, trying hard can change the bad situations and it is better option according to other people. Looking for opportunities or developing interest in the unsatisfactory workplace can lead to a better situation. For example, leaving an unwanted post with handsome salary package and choosing a low salary, but relevant appointment can give pleasure and relaxation. Hence, it is claimed by a section of people that looking for improved circumstances is better. In conclusion, bad times are part of life. In my opinion, it is meaningful to keep trying and look forward to improve the unacceptable stages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
can enter into one’s life regarding position and financial issues. A certain amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
advocates that problems such as unwanted workplace or running out of money should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
whereas others debate that such conditions should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. This essay will discuss why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that accepting the critical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
why it is much more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
in my opinion to overcome with these difficulties.

Unsatisfactory career or shortage of money
is found
among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in every society. The unemployment has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with no option except to take a workplace which is not relevant to their field and
hence
it leads to lack of interest and satisfaction.
For instance
, it
is found
in a recent research that 40% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world are not working in their corresponding fields.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe on the basis of this finding that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to accept the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
of oneself.
However
, trying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
and it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
option according to other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Looking for opportunities or developing interest in the unsatisfactory workplace can lead to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
.
For example
, leaving an unwanted post with handsome salary package and choosing a low salary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
relevant appointment can give pleasure and relaxation.
Hence
, it
is claimed
by a section of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that looking for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
circumstances is better.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
times are part of life. In my opinion, it is meaningful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
trying and look forward to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the unacceptable stages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people prefer watching music videos on television or the Internet rather than listening to the songs on their own. Which way of experiencing music do you think is preferable and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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