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Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.4

Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. v. 4
Technology is getting more and more advanced. And thousands of devices are produced in order to serve users’ high demands. In my opinion, I agree that many public are keen on purchasing new phones, new desktops or other newest gadgets because of following reasons. First of all, people can enjoy the advanced features from modern technology. There are new features which are updated with new version. For example, the Samsung Galaxy S10 has voice commands which they can say key works to search information instead of typing words. It’s time-saving and it’s the best way for English learners to practice speaking skill. In addition, new phone can fix some technical problems with the old one. For instance, on iOS 13, Apple applies private feature. Users can allow any application that follows their GPS or not. Obviously, their private information is secure. Second, buyers own them for happiness. For example, my friend works hardly and earns a lot of money. As a result, she buys an iPhone 6 plus because it has always been her dream for a long time and she can keep up with current technology. It’s clear that new product can make people satisfied. Finally, new devices make people more sociable. To illustrate, when new an iPhone 6 connects to the internet, people can make friends and relative abroad to talk and maintain relationship among members. It’s clear that tools make people more sociable. In conclusion, because of different reasons like advanced features, being happy, the customers would like to have the best tools in order to do their tasks. It’s good for some people to buy the newest devices as long as they can afford them
Technology is getting more and more advanced. And thousands of devices
are produced
in order to serve users’ high demands. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
public are keen on purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
phones,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
desktops or other newest gadgets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of following reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy the advanced features from modern technology. There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
features which
are updated
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
version.
For example
, the Samsung Galaxy S10 has voice commands which they can say key works to search information
instead
of typing words. It’s time-saving and it’s the best way for English learners to practice speaking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
phone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
technical problems with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
one.
For instance
, on iOS 13, Apple applies private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feature
. Users can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
any application that follows their GPS or not.
Obviously
, their private information is secure.

Second, buyers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
them for happiness.
For example
, my friend works hardly and earns
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.
As a result
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buys
an iPhone 6 plus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has always been her dream for a long
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
technology. It’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
product can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
satisfied.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
devices
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more sociable. To illustrate, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
an iPhone 6 connects to the internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
friends and relative abroad to talk and maintain relationship among members. It’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that tools
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more sociable.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons like advanced features, being happy, the customers would like to have the best tools in order to do their tasks. It’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the newest devices as long as they can afford
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
them
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
278 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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