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Many people try to look younger than their actual age. What are the reasons people do this? Do you think it is a good thing or a bad thing v.2

Many people try to look younger than their actual age. What are the reasons people do this? Do you think it is a good thing or a bad thing v. 2
Nowadays, an outer beauty places a significant role in the life of human beings. Although, these days most of people are trying to look younger than their real age through various cosmetic products and surgeries it affects them badly. This is will discuss the various causes behind this phenomenon including my opinion. Plenty of reasons are there behind to look younger by many individuals whenever they want. Primarily, people who belong to the film and the music industry use plethora of cosmetic products and make up kits for getting attractive and young look. This is because, for getting long term acting contracts they should always look beautiful and attractive during their shoot. Additionally, most of women do not want to share their real age with anyone since they feel hesitant. Therefore, they follow different medicinal treatments such as anti-a gaging surgery, syrups, tablets et cetera. Once ladies use such kind of stuffs they become habitual. On the other side, these treatments are too risky as the products and medicines are full with harmful chemicals, even if these are made after proper research. People utilize such dangerous commodities whatever the result is. According to a research report conducted by WHO reported that the anti-a gaging chemical named steroids are responsible for breast cancer. Every year, many youngsters died due to negative affect by the larger intake valve of steroid into their body. To conclude, although, science proves that the products which improve the skin tone are dangerous to health due to health due to their chemical properties people are consuming inattentiveness. I opine that government should ban such products so that to save the life of people.
Nowadays, an outer beauty places a significant role in the life of human beings. Although, these days most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are trying to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
younger than their real age through various cosmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and surgeries it affects them
badly
. This is will discuss the various causes behind this phenomenon including my opinion.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Plenty
of reasons are there behind to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
younger by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals whenever they want.
Primarily
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who belong to the film and the music industry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
plethora of cosmetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up kits for getting attractive and young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, for getting long term acting contracts they should always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and attractive during their shoot.
Additionally
,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the women") or simply say "most women".
most of women
do not want to share their real age with anyone since they feel hesitant.
Therefore
, they follow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
medicinal treatments such as anti-a
Possible spelling mistake found.
gaging
surgery, syrups,
Possible spelling mistake found.
tablets et
cetera.
“Once” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Once
ladies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
such kind of stuffs they become habitual.

On the other side, these treatments are too risky as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and medicines are
The usual collocation for "full" is "of" not "with". Did you mean "full of"?
full with
harmful chemicals, even if these
are made
after proper research.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
utilize such
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
commodities whatever the result is. According to a research report conducted by WHO reported that the anti-a
Possible spelling mistake found.
gaging
chemical named steroids are responsible for breast cancer. Every year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
by the larger intake valve of steroid into their body.

To conclude
, although, science proves that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the skin tone are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to health due to health due to their chemical properties
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are consuming inattentiveness. I opine that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ban such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that to save the life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people try to look younger than their actual age. What are the reasons people do this? Do you think it is a good thing or a bad thing v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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