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Some people hold that advertisements should be restricted. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people hold that advertisements should be restricted. v. 1
Advertisement is a crucial marketing strategy in any fields which has a positive impact on customers. It is so common that nowadays people easily find out commercial posters or colourful flyers in every corner of their cities. Some people propose that the government should restrict advertisements, meanwhile others reckon that it is unnecessary to limit it. In my point of view, both opinions contain their own reasons. The first remarkable negative side of that mode of marketing is expense. It may take even thousands of dollars for a commercial 30-second video; therefore, in order to compensate for advertising expenditure, businesses have probably raised the price of products; contrary to increased costs, sometimes we may absorb misleading information. In addition, will you be calm down even when watching a 40-minute film with 3-minute commercial breaks every a quarter? Although there are some inconvenient effects of advertisement, people can realize the power of advertising. First of all, thanks to short videos on TV channels or posters in online business pages, customers does not only approach easily launched products, but also go shopping more confidently without doubt of price, especially expensive goods such as electronic devices. Another benefit is that advertisements also provide money for newspapers, magazines, TV channel for huge amount of profits, which contributes to develop not only communication companies but also the system of mass media. In conclusion, I outweigh the point of view that advertisement is so essential that people should not restrict it. Nowadays, it is difficult to replace advertisement by other forms of marketing. It is really a useful mean that connects customers and products closer and closer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisement
is a crucial marketing strategy in any fields which has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on customers. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
common that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
easily
find out commercial posters or
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
flyers in every corner of their cities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
propose that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should restrict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
, meanwhile others reckon that it is unnecessary to limit it. In my point of view, both opinions contain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons.

The
first
remarkable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side of that mode of marketing is expense. It may take even thousands of dollars for a commercial 30-second video;
therefore
, in order to compensate for advertising expenditure, businesses have
probably
raised the price of products; contrary to increased costs,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
we may absorb misleading information.
In addition
, will you be calm down even when watching a 40-minute film with 3-minute commercial breaks every a quarter?

Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
inconvenient effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can realize the power of advertising.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, thanks to short videos on TV channels or posters in online business pages, customers does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
approach
easily
launched products,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
go shopping more
confidently
without doubt of price,
especially
expensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
such as electronic devices. Another benefit is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
also
provide money for newspapers, magazines, TV channel for huge amount of profits, which contributes to develop not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the system of mass media.

In conclusion
, I outweigh the point of view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
essential that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not restrict it. Nowadays, it is difficult to replace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
by other forms of marketing. It is
really
a useful mean that connects customers and products closer and closer.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people hold that advertisements should be restricted. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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