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Some people have benefited from modern communications technology, but some people have not benefited from it at all. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people have benefited from modern communications technology, but some people have not benefited from it at all. v. 2
The development of new communication methods, especially telecommunications and its related sophisticated devices has improved our daily lives. But some people think that after all, they do not get any advantage from these innovations. I believe that technology was invented to serve people but we have to know how to use it. On the one hand, the electrical devices and telecommunications have become increased, which help us collect new information better, become more well-informed and connect us with each other wherever we are. Because of these technologies, people in remote, rural areas have as equal an opportunity to communicate as those in urban areas; the old " communication gaps" have disappeared. Needless to say, students who live in the countryside have accessed global knowledge easily despite of having distance. Besides that, professional employees, who are disabled can work at home but they still ensure job performance. Telecommunications are solving the labor shortage crisis in the 21th century, which is serious problem of every country, nowadays. However, media and communication devices such as television, phone and radio has rapidly spread, which leads to people ignore face-to-face relationships. With the development of social media websites on the Internet, people spend almost time making virtual relationships. A concrete example is a new disease of the 21th century. The new disease is the addiction to social networks. According to the report of sociologists, the numbers of people, who log in to websites such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram over 13 hours per day to connect to others and create for themselves a dream virtual life instead going outside and make relationships has dramatically increased in the last two years. Taking all of this into account, communication is always crucial activities to people or business either small or large. Therefore, in my opinion, presence of telecommunication has brought a significant advantage to people and society.
The development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
methods,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telecommunications
and its related sophisticated devices has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
after all
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any advantage from these innovations. I believe that technology
was invented
to serve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it.

On the one hand, the electrical devices and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telecommunications
have become increased, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us collect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
information better, become more well-informed and connect us with each other wherever we are.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of these technologies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in remote, rural areas have as equal an opportunity to communicate as those in urban areas; the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
Possible spelling mistake found.
gaps&quot
; have disappeared. Needless to say, students who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the countryside have accessed global knowledge
easily
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
having distance.
Besides
that, professional employees, who
are disabled
can work at home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
still
ensure job performance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Telecommunications
are solving the labor shortage crisis in the
Please check the suffix, if this is an ordinal number.
21th
century, which is serious problem of every country, nowadays.

However
, media and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
devices such as television, phone and radio has
rapidly
spread, which leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
face-to-face relationships. With the development of social media websites on the Internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend almost time making virtual relationships. A concrete example is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
disease of the
Please check the suffix, if this is an ordinal number.
21th
century. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
disease is the addiction to social networks. According to the report of sociologists, the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who log in to websites such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram over 13 hours per day to connect to others and create for themselves a dream virtual life
instead
going outside and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
relationships has
dramatically
increased in the last two years.

Taking all of this into account,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
is always crucial activities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or business either
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
or large.
Therefore
, in my opinion, presence of telecommunication has brought a significant advantage to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people have benefited from modern communications technology, but some people have not benefited from it at all. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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