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Some people have benefited from modern communications technology, but some other people have not benefited from; to what extend do you agree or disagree. v.1

Some people have benefited from modern communications technology, but some other people have not benefited from; v. 1
It is undoubtedly that newly-invented technologies play a crucial role in society as a whole. While I agree that online networks bring negatively impact to people, I also believe that the important of e-communication is too obvious to be ignored in modern life. On the one hand, up-to-date technologies have its own disadvantage to people lifestyle. First of all, this tools lead to the dearth of social connection and decreased human interaction. It means that, as individuals have a tendency to spend a great of their time in using internet, it is tough for them to have frequent contact and communicate face-to-face with people in real life. Therefore, this lack of communication leads to people is vulnerable to be isolated. Another drawbacks is that the possibility of people’ losing the concentration on their work. For example, people could be addicted to surf the web or shopping online, being indifferent to their responsibility and, thereby the quality of work decline. On the other hand, modern communication has a positive influence on society. One striking advantage is the newly-invented tools have revolutionized the way we communicate. Most of us have greatly benefited from e-mail or internet chat program such as Facebook or Twister. These incredibly useful technologies enable people to keep in touch with their loved ones in far way places. Moreover, this modern technology helps individuals to enrich their knowledge. For instance, people can gain access to any information with the click of a mouse instead of spending a day long in a library. In conclusion, although I concur with the negative of up-to-date tools for the whole social, I would believe that the positive effects of the modern communication are far greater.
It is
undoubtedly
that
newly
-invented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
play a crucial role in society as a whole. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that online networks bring
negatively
impact to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I
also
believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of e-communication is too obvious to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
life.

On the one hand, up-to-date
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
disadvantage to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lifestyle.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, this tools lead to the dearth of social connection and decreased human interaction. It means that, as individuals have a tendency to spend a great of their time in using internet, it is tough for them to have frequent contact and communicate face-to-face with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in real life.
Therefore
, this lack of communication leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
vulnerable to
be isolated
. Another drawbacks
You should probably use: "are".
is
that the possibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’
losing the concentration on their work.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
be addicted
to surf the web or shopping online, being indifferent to their responsibility and, thereby the quality of work decline.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
communication has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on society. One striking advantage is the
newly
-invented tools have revolutionized the way we communicate. Most of us have
greatly
benefited from e-mail or internet chat program such as Facebook or Twister. These
incredibly
useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones in far way places.
Moreover
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
individuals to enrich their knowledge.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can gain access to any information with the click of a mouse
instead
of spending a day long in a library.

In conclusion
, although I concur with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
of up-to-date tools for the whole social, I would believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
communication are far greater.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people have benefited from modern communications technology, but some other people have not benefited from; v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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