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Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v.5

Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 5
It is now a known fact that buying things is the new addiction of our century. Some people, in fact, take tons of credits from the bank to buy anything they want, whether it's a need or not, until they find themselves in debt. I will be explaining why this behaviour occurs in the first place and suggesting an advice with the following paragraphs. Nowadays, social media is used by almost everyone, especially teenagers. Due to the recklessness of their age, they tend to be influenced by bloggers who share every detail of their lives with lots of exaggerations and, unfortunately, lies. In addition to this attempt of copying them and buying the goods they share, dangerous friendships also play a huge role on this addiction. In my high school, for instance, there was a group of girls trying to convince freshman girls to be more like them and buy extremely expensive stuff. Although these seem very innocent and harmless, they are the major reasons behind this problem. Nevertheless, there might be an option for these addicts of spending money. In my point of view, banks should control the accounts in which there are more than usual outgoings. The owners of the accounts ought to be responsible for these expenses and report to the bank to verify that the spendings are due to their need. The ones who are detected as shopping addicts should have a limited account to buy specific things such as daily products. To conclude, there are lots of causes behind buying unnecessary and expensive items, mainly the toxic social media influencers and unhealthy friendships. Many things can be done in order to stop such behaviour, like the control and the limit of bank accounts.
It is
now
a known fact that buying things is the new addiction of our century.
Some
people
, in fact, take tons of credits from the
bank
to
buy
anything they want, whether it's a need or not, until they find themselves in debt. I will be explaining why this
behaviour
occurs in the
first
place and suggesting
an advice
with the following paragraphs.

Nowadays, social media is
used
by almost everyone,
especially
teenagers
. Due to the recklessness of their age, they tend to
be influenced
by bloggers who share every detail of their
lives
with lots of exaggerations and, unfortunately, lies.
In addition
to this attempt of copying them and buying the
goods
they share,
dangerous
friendships
also
play a huge role on this addiction. In my high school,
for instance
, there was a group of girls trying to convince freshman girls to be more like them and
buy
extremely
expensive stuff. Although these seem
very
innocent and harmless, they are the major reasons behind this problem.

Nevertheless
, there might be an option for these addicts of spending money. In my point of view,
banks
should control the
accounts
in which there are more than usual outgoings. The owners of the
accounts
ought to be responsible for these expenses and report to the
bank
to verify that the
spendings
are due to their need. The ones who
are detected
as shopping addicts should have a limited
account
to
buy
specific things such as daily products.

To conclude
, there are lots of causes behind buying unnecessary and expensive items,
mainly
the toxic social media influencers and unhealthy friendships.
Many
things can
be done
in order to
stop
such
behaviour
, like the control and the limit of
bank
accounts
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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