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Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v.10

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 10
A number of people focus on working than enjoying the rest of days and they do not spend much time for the holidays. In my opinion, although working is very important to live, the refreshment through activities is also a key point for healthy life these days. In my country, it is the serious problem that people do not know how to use their rest of time after working. Because they are not used to think about other events instead of work like hobbies. Fortunately, it is getting increase a number of people who changed mind and thought about their lives and they are looking for suitable activities for the remaining hours. For example, young people in 50 years ago worked until 9pm or they spent most of time with co-works even having a dinner. While people considered to have their own time to release themselves from work at least few hours recently. In order to live healthy days, people find outdoor activities which is totally different with daily routines. Yoga and Pilates are popular with young people who are interested in body balances. On the other hand, some people travel to other countries or cities frequently. As a result, it makes them happier and even become great advantages in their workplace too. There are still people believe that hard working may be delivered better life. In capitalistic countries, earning money is a significant task for people. But I ensure that people who can relieve their stress regularly also make an enormous result in work. Therefore, having a time for other activities outside or at home brings people much better qualities of lives.
A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
focus on
Use "worker" to make a comparison with this adjective.
working
than enjoying the rest of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
days and
they do not spend much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the holidays. In my opinion, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
, the refreshment through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is
also
a key point for healthy life these days.

In my country, it is the serious problem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their rest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
instead
of work like hobbies.
Fortunately
, it is getting increase a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
mind and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lives and
they are looking for suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for the remaining hours.
For example
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 50 years ago worked until
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
9pm or
they spent most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with co-works even
When we speak of types of meals, the article is not required: "having dinner".
having a dinner
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
considered to have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to release themselves from work at least few hours recently.

In order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
healthy days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which is
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
with daily routines. Yoga and Pilates are popular with young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are interested
in body balances. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries or cities
frequently
.
As a result
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them happier and even become great advantages in their workplace too.

There are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
may
be delivered
better life. In capitalistic countries, earning money is a significant task for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I ensure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who can relieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
regularly
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an enormous result in work.
Therefore
, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
outside or at home brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
much better qualities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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