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Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are reasons for these behaviors? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v.2

Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are reasons for these behaviors? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 2
It is widely argued that purchasing things which are unnecessary or unaffordable can cause people to be in deeply debt. Although there are several factors that may directly lead to such issue, numerous solutions have been sorted out, in order to handle the problem. To begin with, there are two significant reasons for this behavior. Firstly, one of the most obvious problem is the consumptive lifestyle of people caused by the effect of their parents during their childhood moments. In other words, parents often pamper their offspring by supplying everything that their children offer. Hence, when children turn to incubate, they tend to act to show off their values, by buying luxury goods or following the world richkids’ trends. Another key factor is the appearance of credit cards and its policy. Buying expensive things have no longer been a trouble, since the lending service was allowed in master card and at the end, people get into debt in the most natural way. However, it is not impossible to tackle the given problem as several promising ideas have been stated. First of all, the measure which should be taken in order to deal with this behavior is the change in policy for money savings. Governments should take part in adjusting the value rate for saving money by peoples’ income. In that way, banking accounts which does not reach the requirements are not available to purchase things. Besides, a punishment should be added, for those who cannot pay in required time. Another case to eradicate this issue is the creation of alternative entertainment beside shopping. Specifically, individuals will have more options in leisure time instead of spending time in mall. In short, there is a growing in concern that debt becomes more popular when people buying needless and expensive objects, but this issue is in controlled, by some measures mentioned above.
It is
widely
argued that purchasing things which are unnecessary or unaffordable can cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be in
deeply
debt. Although there are several factors that may
directly
lead to such issue, numerous solutions have
been sorted
out, in order to handle the problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are two significant reasons for this behavior.
Firstly
, one of the most obvious
Please check whether a plural form of 'problem' should be used.
problem
is the consumptive lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
caused by the effect of their parents during their childhood moments.
In other words
, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
pamper their offspring by supplying everything that their children offer.
Hence
, when children turn to incubate, they tend to act to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off their values, by buying luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
or following the world
Possible spelling mistake found.
richkids
’ trends. Another key factor is the appearance of credit cards and its policy. Buying expensive things have no longer been a trouble, since the lending service was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in master card and at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into debt in the most natural way.

However
, it is not impossible to tackle the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
problem as several promising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
have
been stated
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the measure which should
be taken
in order to deal with this behavior is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in policy for money savings.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in adjusting the value rate for saving money by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
income. In that way, banking accounts which does not reach the requirements are not available to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
things.
Besides
, a punishment should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
, for those who cannot pay in required time. Another case to eradicate this issue is the creation of alternative entertainment beside shopping.
Specifically
, individuals will have more options in leisure time
instead
of spending time in mall.

In short, there is a growing in concern that debt becomes more popular when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
buying needless and expensive objects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this issue is in controlled, by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures mentioned above.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are reasons for these behaviors? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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