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Modern Technology is now very common in most work place. How do you think this has changed way it worked? Do you think there are disadvantages to relying too much on technology. v.1

Modern Technology is now very common in most work place. How do you think this has changed way it worked? Do you think there are disadvantages to relying too much on technology. v. 1
There is no doubt that technological advancement is a huge milestone of this twenty-first century. People are accepting technology in all aspects of their daily life. In particular, Technologies are being used in most of the working place to get the job done. In my opinion, people are preferring advanced technology due to their comfort and few advantages, but depending too much on technology might impact in a sever way. It is undeniable that people tend to accept new technology due to various advantages. Firstly, by using modern technology task can be completed in a timely manner and accurately. For instance, computers are being used in offices to complete different types of complex calculations. There are very less chance that result will come out as wrong, while getting this job through human would put some suspicion about the outcome. Secondly, By using latest technology, a larger output can be received in a very short time, while it is quite impossible to expect the same result through traditional way. For instance, Optical Machine Reader in short OMR is being used to check answer sheets of multiple choice question. It can check multiple copies at the same time. However, Dependency never brings any good outcome. Hench, too much dependency on technology certainly no a good sign for a nation or a country. Firstly, If everything is done by modern technology, it will cause unemployment as well as sever health problem like obesity. For instance, A computer can complete a job of ten people, which resulting in unemployment. Again, People will do less physical work which will cause the obesity. In conclusion, adopting new technology in every aspects of life is the first step to become digitalized, but too much relying could bring negative impacts on the development.
There is no doubt that technological advancement is a huge milestone of this twenty-
first
century.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in all aspects of their daily life.
In particular
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technologies
are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in most of the working place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the job done. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'preferring' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are preferring
advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
due to their comfort and few advantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
depending too much on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
might impact
Consider replacing "in a sever way" with the adverb for "sever"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a sever way
.

It is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to accept new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
due to various advantages.
Firstly
, by using modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
task can
be completed
in a timely manner and
accurately
.
For instance
, computers are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in offices to complete
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of complex calculations. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less chance that result will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, while getting this job through human would put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suspicion about the outcome.
Secondly
, By using
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, a larger output can
be received
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
short time, while it is quite impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
the same result through traditional way.
For instance
, Optical Machine Reader in short OMR is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
answer sheets of multiple choice question. It can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
multiple copies at the same time.

However
, Dependency never brings any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
outcome. Hench, too much dependency on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
certainly
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
for a nation or a country.
Firstly
, If everything
is done
by modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, it will cause unemployment
as well
as sever health problem like obesity.
For instance
, A computer can complete a job of ten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which resulting in unemployment. Again,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will do less physical work which will cause the obesity.

In conclusion
, adopting new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "aspect"?
aspects
of life is the
first
step to become digitalized,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
too much relying could bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the development.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Modern Technology is now very common in most work place. How do you think this has changed way it worked? Do you think there are disadvantages to relying too much on technology. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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