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Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v.16

Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 16
Buying unnecessary things despite some people's financial limitation and getting into debt have affected our society severely. There may be various reasons for this attitude, but in my opinion, competition, social tradition, greed, marketing tactics, and materialistic expectation are the influencing factors for such a trend.   Prudent thinking, positive mentality and some laws can prevent it. Firstly, some people feel an invisible competition and they try to prove their superiority by having more and thus made a habit of showing off. For instances, if someone buys a latest electronic gadget, many others, who feel the invisible competition, might get frustrated for not having the latest model. Many of them would actually buy the latest model just to be ahead of the competition. Sometimes, they will borrow from others to have those materialistic greed fulfilled. Thus they get into debts and cannot purchase things that they really need at a time. Secondly, in countries like India and Nepal, dowry system still persists and in many cases, bride's parents are compelled to take a loan and fulfil bride-groom parents’ demand. Besides, social trends often force people to maintain a lifestyle that they cannot afford, and those people are forced to get trapped in debts. Again, personal greed to own more and to have more often allure people to purchase things that they do not need and borrow money from others. Marketing tactics are meant to attract as many customers as possible and we are surrounded by marketing and it is quite tough for us to be prudent while purchasing. Finally, easy bank loans for fulfilling different needs can often trap people to fall in debts. Reasons for our getting into debts explained above are deeply rooted in our society and have affected peace and harmony of many families. People should give up useless competitions and be contented with whatever they can afford rather than trying to have a lifestyle that they cannot manage. Government and concerned authority should make strict laws to abolish dowry system and bank loans should be made more rigid. Finally, our personal realisation is the most important factor to prevent ourselves getting trapped in debts by purchasing things we do not need. This is a personal choice and no one is going to stop us from purchasing unnecessary things unless we develop a self-realisation. In conclusion, too much attraction towards materialism and competition bounds us to buy unnecessary things and there are proper measures to control this abominable habit and self-realisation is the most important one.
Buying unnecessary things despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's financial limitation and getting into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
debt
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
our society
severely
. There may be various reasons for this attitude,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, social tradition, greed, marketing tactics, and materialistic expectation are the influencing factors for such a trend.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Prudent thinking,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
mentality and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
laws can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel an invisible
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
competition and
they try to prove their superiority by having more and
thus
made a habit of showing off. For instances, if someone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buys
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
latest electronic gadget,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others, who feel the invisible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
frustrated for not having the latest model.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them would actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the latest model
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to be ahead of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, they will borrow from others to have those materialistic greed fulfilled.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
debts
and cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
things that they
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
at a time.

Secondly
, in countries like India and Nepal, dowry system
still
persists and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, bride's parents
are compelled
to take a loan and fulfil bride-groom parents’ demand.
Besides
, social trends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
force
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to maintain a lifestyle that they cannot afford, and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
trapped in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
debts
. Again, personal greed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
more and to have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
allure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
things that they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
and borrow money from others. Marketing tactics
are meant
to attract as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
customers as
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
possible and
we
are surrounded
by marketing and it is quite tough for us to be prudent while purchasing.
Finally
, easy bank loans for fulfilling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
trap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to fall in debts.

Reasons for our getting into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
debts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
above are
deeply
rooted in our society and have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
peace and harmony of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should give up useless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
and
be contented
with whatever they can afford
rather
than trying to have a lifestyle that they cannot manage.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and concerned authority should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
strict laws to abolish dowry system and bank loans should
be made
more rigid.
Finally
, our personal
Possible spelling mistake. 'realisation' is British English.
realisation
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
ourselves getting trapped in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
debts
by purchasing things we do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
. This is a personal choice and no one is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
us from purchasing unnecessary things unless we develop a
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-realisation
.

In conclusion
, too much attraction towards materialism and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
bounds us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unnecessary things and there are proper measures to control this abominable habit and
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-realisation
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can’t afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 16

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
419 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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