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Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. v.13

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. v. 13
As the mankind has progressed, the technology has advanced as well. From the telephone which was invented by Graham bell in the 19th century to the iPhone invented by Steve Jobs in the 21st century, we have made a lot of progress in terms of technology. As a result of this revolution in technology, more and more gadgets are being used to monitor people. However, such monitoring has both positives and negatives when it comes to the end result. CCTV cameras are quite mundane in shops, malls, etc and they help the bosses keep an eye on their employees. As a direct result, the employees, being aware of the monitoring, work efficiently. In a travelling job, the bosses can track their employees via GPS and thereby prevents false report-ins. Moreover, shoplifting is also often either averted or the shoplifter gets caught from the CCTV tapes. In spite of the advantages of monitoring people using technology, there are cases where such monitoring may cause problems. CCTVs are often installed in trial rooms to prevent shoplifting. However, a person may unknowingly end up naked on tape while trying an apparel. With regard to an employee, continuous monitoring may lead to him/her not enjoying work and ultimately quitting, to work in a more relaxed environment. In addition to this, tracking once it is known, is being done, and becomes vulnerable. Consequently, the original source can be manipulated, erased or made public. However, I still feel that monitoring by technology, despite its drawbacks has more pros than cons. Monitoring, at public places, can help provide safety and security to people. Police and other security personnel can track mobile phone conversations of suspects without them being aware and can, therefore, prevent crime. Camera footage from a crime site may help the police nab a gangster and the same tape can be used for his conviction. In conclusion, the advantages of monitoring people via technology outweigh the disadvantages. However, steps need to be taken to ensure that there is no harm to the privacy and integrity of people while monitoring them even when they do not know, that they are being monitored.
As the mankind has progressed, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has advanced
as well
. From the telephone which
was invented
by Graham bell in the 19th century to the iPhone invented by Steve Jobs in the 21st century, we have made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
progress in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
As a result
of this revolution in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, more and more gadgets are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to monitor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
has both positives and negatives when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
result.

CCTV cameras are quite mundane in shops, malls,
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
etc and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the bosses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. As a direct result, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, being aware of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
, work
efficiently
. In a travelling job, the bosses can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
via GPS and thereby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
false report-ins.
Moreover
, shoplifting is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
either averted or the shoplifter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
caught from the CCTV tapes.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, there are cases where such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
may cause problems.
Possible spelling mistake found.
CCTVs
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
installed in trial rooms to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
shoplifting.
However
, a person may
unknowingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up naked on tape while trying an apparel. With regard to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
, continuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
may lead to him/her not enjoying work and
ultimately
quitting, to work in a more relaxed environment.
In addition
to this, tracking once it
is known
, is
being done
, and becomes vulnerable.
Consequently
, the original source can
be manipulated
, erased or made public.

However
, I
still
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, despite its drawbacks has more pros than cons.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Monitoring
, at public places, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
provide safety and security to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Police and other security personnel can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
mobile phone conversations of suspects without them being aware and can,
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
crime. Camera footage from a crime site may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the police nab a gangster and the same tape can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for his conviction.

In conclusion
, the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
via
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
outweigh the disadvantages.
However
, steps need to
be taken
to ensure that there is no harm to the privacy and integrity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
monitoring
them even when they do not know, that they are
being monitored
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. v. 13

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
356 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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