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Some people find it beneficial to enrol the young children in nursery school before primary school, while others think it is good to keep children with families. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people find it beneficial to enrol the young children in nursery school before primary school, while others think it is good to keep children with families. v. 1
The society has dramatically changed with the evolution of the internet. Nowadays, information media have become immensely common amongst all the age groups of society. People use information media to share their stuff with mutual friends and relatives. Sometimes, this information could be harmed or damaged by some people. Although there are some disadvantages of this development, I believe that it has more benefits than drawbacks. The main advantage of using social media is that it has made communication easier. People can now easily exchange messages to their friends, colleagues or relatives within seconds. It makes a person aware of what is going with his friend or relative life. For example, on Facebook you can post about your latest location, post photos and videos, instantly message to your friend, and send him or her a document. On Twitter, folks can exchange their ideas by tweeting. In addition to this, Owing to the evolution of social media, people can now learn extensively on YouTube and can use it for entertainment purpose. Despite this, there are some significant disadvantages it can bring to people lives. First, some of the youngsters say everything about their lives on social media. Sometimes, they post vulgar content and photos as well without realizing it. It could be misused by some mischievous people/friends or cyber criminals. Some folks even mention their phone numbers, which can harm them. For instance, indecent boys take the number of girls from Facebook, get to know about all the details like lifestyle, studies etcetera from the comments and post, and then blackmail them. Moreover, some immature individuals, even publish their salary slips, appraisal letters to show off about their financial status. To sum up, I would argue that, although there are disadvantages of this development, they are outweighed by the advantages. It enriches people lives in many ways if used in a limited and proper way.
The society has
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
with the evolution of the internet. Nowadays, information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have become
immensely
common amongst all the age groups of society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
to share their stuff with mutual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and relatives.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, this information could
be harmed
or damaged by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of this development, I believe that it has more benefits than drawbacks.

The main advantage of using social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is that it has made communication easier.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
easily
exchange messages to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, colleagues or relatives within seconds. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a person aware of what is going with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
or relative life.
For example
, on Facebook you can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
about your latest location,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
photos and videos,
instantly
message to your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
him or her a document. On Twitter, folks can exchange their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
by tweeting.
In addition
to this, Owing to the evolution of social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
learn
extensively
on YouTube and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for entertainment purpose.

Despite this, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
significant disadvantages it can bring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
lives
.
First
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
youngsters say everything about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
on social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
vulgar content and photos
as well
without realizing it. It could
be misused
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mischievous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
/friends or cyber criminals.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
folks even mention their phone numbers, which can harm them.
For instance
, indecent boys take the number of girls from Facebook,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
like lifestyle, studies etcetera from the comments and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post
, and then blackmail them.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
immature individuals, even publish their salary slips, appraisal letters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off about their financial status.

To sum up, I would argue that, although there are disadvantages of this development, they
are outweighed
by the advantages. It enriches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
lives
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in a limited and proper way.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people find it beneficial to enrol the young children in nursery school before primary school, while others think it is good to keep children with families. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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