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Some people feel that entretainers such as film maker; pop musicians or sport stars are paid to much money. Do you agree ot disagree? which other type of job should be highly paid? v.1

Some people feel that entretainers such as film maker; pop musicians or sport stars are paid to much money. Do you agree ot disagree? which other type of job should be highly paid? v. 1
Nowadays, it becomes common for a famous person to earn more than the normal range of salary of the country. I disagree because these people sell their image to brands, such as L’oreal and Dior. They help these companies to make money. In this essay, I will discuss both parts of this question and give several reasons of my point-view. First of all, they advertise many logos. Generally, the main cause of their high salary is their international image. This one is used by some brands, such as Coca-cola to sell their own products in a bigger scale. These different companies by selling their articles earn billion dollars. I believe that this is normal for the star to take a certain rates from their income. Demi lovato for example, advertises every day goods that she received from different companies. Only one pictures with this manufacture help the producer to sell an important quantity of it. Thus, fans who want to look like their idole are ready to buy everything. Moreover, famous people are currently considered like a Businessman. In addition to their advertise for some industries. They sell their image through their own manufactured products. It become a current practice for a stars. For instance, Selena Gomez starts to produce derivated T-shirt and dolls, whereas Rihana has her own make-up brand. This is their major source of income. However, I am sure that people who work with them, such as their driver or hairdresser could have a more important salary, because it is in a part thanks to them that they are famous. Therefore, I think the reason of their enhance income is normal, they just used their name to built their company in order to earn more. In conclusion, although famous people earn a lot. The main reasons are on the one hand, they help international industries to market their articles and on the other hand, they have their own business. For me, working at an international scale does not have the same consequence than the national or local one.
Nowadays, it becomes common for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more than the normal range of salary of the country. I disagree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
their image to brands, such as
Did you mean "L'Oréal" (= cosmetics company)?
L’oreal
and Dior. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money. In this essay, I will discuss both parts of this question and give several reasons of my point-view.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they advertise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
logos.
Generally
, the main cause of their high salary is their international image. This one is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
brands, such as Coca-cola to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
products in a bigger scale. These
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
by selling their articles
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
Use "a billion" or use a number before 'billion'.
billion
dollars. I believe that this is normal for the star to take a certain rates from their income.
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Demi lovato
for example
, advertises every day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
that she received from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
one pictures with this manufacture
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the producer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
quantity of it.
Thus
, fans who want to look like their
Possible spelling mistake found.
idole
are ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
everything.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
currently
considered like a Businessman.
In addition
to their
The word 'advertise' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "advertisement"?
advertise
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
industries. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sell
their image through their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
manufactured products. It
Did you mean "becomes"?
become
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
practice for
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a star" or simply "stars"?
a stars
.
For instance
, Selena Gomez
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to produce
Possible spelling mistake found.
derivated
T-shirt and dolls, whereas
Possible spelling mistake found.
Rihana
has her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
-up brand. This is their major source of income.
However
, I am sure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who work with them, such as their driver or hairdresser could have a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
salary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is in a part thanks to them that they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the reason of their enhance income is normal, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
their name to built their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
a lot. The main reasons are on the one hand, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
international industries to market their articles and
on the other hand
, they have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business. For me, working at an international scale does not have the same
The usual preposition to use after "consequence" is not "than". Did you mean "consequence of", "consequence for", or "consequence on"?
consequence than
the national or local one.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entretainers such as film maker; pop musicians or sport stars are paid to much money. Do you agree ot disagree? which other type of job should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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