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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians and sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other type of Job should be highly paid? v.1

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians and sports stars are paid too much money. Which other type of Job should be highly paid? v. 1
In this competitive era, where everyone aspires to earn more money some people feel that sports and movie stars are overpaid. However, in my opinion their hard work and contribution towards their country make them worthy of getting more money. This essay will justify my point of view and will also discuss the other sectors that need to be paid more. To start, not every sports and entertainment personality earns higher money, only few successful people are paid more because they have proved their abilities over the time and had worked extremely hard to achieve all this. Take, Mary Kom for example, she is a indian boxer and a five times world champion. She was born in a poor family, but now she is one of the richest sports persons. In addition, filmstars and musicians are popular all over the world. Thus they bring worldwide recognition to their native country, and help in the growth of the country by boosting various sectors such as tourism by attracting foreign visitors. Apart from these, there are many other professions that are eligible for getting more money. Firstly, police and military services. These people serve a country and protect it's citizens by securing the borders. Moreover, they risk their lives and sacrifice their happiness of living with family for others. Hence, they should be allotted higher salaries. Secondly, healthcare professionals, such as doctors should be given more money as these people do not have fixed working hours like other employees. Even on the national holidays, for instance, unlike others, healthcare professionals have to be present on duty for casualties in the case of emergency. Therefore, these professions required to be given highest remunerations. To conclude, I disagree with the viewpoint that sports players and actors are paid too much and would also think that healthcare personels, police and army men should also be paid more for serving their nation and it's residents.
In this competitive era, where everyone aspires to earn more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and movie stars are overpaid.
However
, in my opinion their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and contribution towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them worthy of getting more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. This essay will justify my point of view and will
also
discuss the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors that need to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, not every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "sport"?
sports
and entertainment personality earns higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have proved their abilities over the time and had worked
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve all this. Take, Mary
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kom
for example
, she is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
Possible spelling mistake found.
indian
boxer and a five times world champion. She
was born
in a poor family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
she is one of the richest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons.
In addition
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
filmstars
and musicians are popular all over the world.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
they bring worldwide recognition to their native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in the growth of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
by boosting various sectors such as tourism by attracting foreign visitors.

Apart from these, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions that are eligible for getting more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Firstly
, police and military services. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
serve a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and protect
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (=it is)?
it's
citizens by securing the borders.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and sacrifice their happiness of living with family for others.
Hence
, they should
be allotted
higher salaries.
Secondly
, healthcare professionals, such as doctors should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
working hours like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
employees. Even on the national holidays,
for instance
, unlike others, healthcare professionals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be present on duty for casualties in the case of emergency.
Therefore
, these professions required to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
remunerations.

To conclude
, I disagree with the viewpoint that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players and actors are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
too much and would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that healthcare
Possible spelling mistake found.
personels
, police and army
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
should
also
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more for serving their nation and it's residents.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians and sports stars are paid too much money. Which other type of Job should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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