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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words. v.1

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 1
Noawadays entertainment industries are gorwing in every country across the globe. Some people belive that actors, singers and sports person should pay more money. I agree that they deserve such a huge amount but, there are some other professions like armies who put their life in risk should pay higher. To begin with, in this modern era we have seen significant improvement in the entertainment industries than earlier because of massive improvement in the technology. These are less depends on government and pay high taxes. For instance playing sports in different countries not only it strngthen the economy while collecting money from audience also stronger their tourism industry consequently increase employement opportunities. Similarly, actors and pop musicians increase their profit while arranging different concerts across the world. Thus sportsman and artist make money from spectators therefore government should encourage their efforts performance while providing them required facilities. Secondly, there is other profession that should not be ignoring paying them extra such as national army who put their life on risk. Protection is the essential priority of each individual because without proper security we can not enjoy our life despite having full entertainment facilities. Paying them low wage it will lose their motivation therefore it is the responsibility of the government increasing defence budget to make our national heroes more poweful. For instance in united state the average army income is 10% higher than other profession that make US army one of the stronges in the world. In conclusion, artist make a lot of money which is less rely on government and paying that boost country economy however human life is more important so I belive that strengthen the militiry force may secure our country.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Noawadays
entertainment industries are
Possible spelling mistake found.
gorwing
in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
across the globe.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
belive
that actors, singers and sports person should pay more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they deserve such a huge amount
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other professions like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
armies
who put their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
should pay higher.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in this modern era we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
significant improvement in the entertainment industries than earlier
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of massive improvement in the technology. These are less depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and pay high taxes.
For instance
playing sports in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it
Possible spelling mistake found.
strngthen
the economy while collecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from audience
also
stronger their tourism industry
consequently
increase
Possible spelling mistake found.
employement
opportunities.
Similarly
, actors and pop musicians increase their profit while arranging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
concerts across the world.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
sportsman and artist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from spectators
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should encourage their efforts performance while providing them required facilities.

Secondly
, there is other profession that should not be ignoring paying them extra such as national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
who put their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. Protection is the essential priority of each individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
without proper security we can not enjoy our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
despite having full entertainment facilities. Paying them low wage it will lose their motivation
therefore
it is the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
increasing
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
budget to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
our national heroes more
Possible spelling mistake found.
poweful
.
For instance
in united state the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
income is 10% higher than other profession that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
US
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
one of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
stronges
in the world.

In conclusion
, artist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which is less rely on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and paying that boost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
economy
however
human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Did you mean "I believe"?
I belive
that strengthen the
Possible spelling mistake found.
militiry
force may secure our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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