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some people feel that entertainment are paid too much do you agree or disagree which type of job should be highly paid v.1

some people feel that entertainment are paid too much which type of job should be highly paid v. 1
entertainment is a huge industrial sector in many countries such as korean, us, uk. it earns billions od money per years and contributes a large part of GDP. consequently, i do not think that actors, singers or sports stars are paid too much money just equal to what they has done. obviously, entertainers who they have great talent or ability to sing, take part in films or play a particular sport, are delicate to their job. if they decide to enter this industry, they must spend more and more time on their career, experience a tough competition with the others. besides, their work creates many products which are necessary to vast amount of people, also gain a lot of money, reputation to producers and people whose job is related to. for example, descendants of the sun, a super film which is produced by korean, attracted a huge number of audience from many Asia countries such as Vietnam, china, Thailand and so forth in vietnam, i find many jobs which require employers to sit in one place to finish their duty during 8 hours a day, or work in a dangerous and poisonous environment. such work can be mentioned are workers in textile industry, mining sector. additionally, people whose job begin in the evening and complete in the next morning are very exhausted. they must work and concentrate in time when they need to be sleep and relax like the other. that is opposite to their biological clock, takes them a long time to adapt and seriously harm their health. because of these reasons, i strongly suppose that higher salary and all kind of healthy insurance are compulsory to practice. eventually, increasing salary and buying other sort of insurance for work is not the best solution to protect workers. personally, i believe that improving the working environment will gain a better result, create a sustainable economy
entertainment
is a huge industrial sector in
many
countries such as
korean
, us,
uk
. it earns
billions od
money per years and contributes a large part of GDP.
consequently
,
i
do not
think
that actors, singers or sports stars
are paid
too much money
just
equal to what they
has
done.

obviously
, entertainers who they have great talent or ability to sing,
take part
in films or play a particular sport, are delicate to their
job
.
if
they decide to enter this industry, they
must
spend more and more time on their career, experience a tough competition with the others.
besides
, their
work
creates
many
products which are necessary to vast amount of
people
,
also
gain
a lot of
money, reputation to producers and
people
whose
job
is related
to.
for example
, descendants of the sun, a super film which
is produced
by
korean
, attracted a huge number of audience from
many
Asia countries such as Vietnam, china, Thailand and
so
forth

in
vietnam
,
i
find
many
jobs
which require employers to sit in one place to finish their duty during 8 hours a day, or
work
in a
dangerous
and poisonous environment.
such
work
can
be mentioned
are workers in textile industry, mining sector.
additionally
,
people
whose
job
begin
in the evening and complete in the
next
morning are
very
exhausted.
they
must
work
and concentrate in time when they need to be sleep and relax like the other.
that
is opposite to their biological clock, takes them a long time to adapt and
seriously
harm their health.
because
of these reasons,
i
strongly
suppose that higher salary and all kind of healthy insurance are compulsory to practice.

eventually
, increasing salary and buying other sort of insurance for
work
is not the best solution to protect workers.
personally
,
i
believe that improving the working environment will gain a better result, create a sustainable economy
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
23Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay some people feel that entertainment are paid too much which type of job should be highly paid v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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