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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film starts, pop musicians and sports starts) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other type of jobs should be highly paid? v.22

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film starts, pop musicians and sports starts) are paid too much money. Which other type of jobs should be highly paid? v. 22
Employed in a job with decent salary is satisfying; whereas, being paid with unsatisfied wage is discouraging. When compared with a film star, some people think entertainers are over paid because a film star earns more than a million dollars a year. Personally, I disagree with this view, I believe entertainers are fairly paid in accordance with their popularity and professional skill. To start with, film stars are paid according to popularity. The more popular the star is, the higher he will be paid. A well-known singer earns immense fortune; while, an ordinary singer with little fame has to work in other occupation to support his career. In addition, normal people do not wield pervasive influence as a famous celebrity. Therefore, enterprises pay enormous money to hire celebrities for advertisements. Entertainers earn fortune from popularity, which is the trait that normal people do not posess; thus, they are not over paid for nothing. Moreover, entertainment is a professional job. People are required to acquire particular skills to perform entertaining. Film stars are opt in acting; musicians are good at composing, singing and porforming. Thus, without professional knowledge in those field, people cannot commence the entertainment. Generally, professional works are paid higher than non professional job. For instance, engineers, doctors and lawyers are paid more than occupation like waiter and salesman. Therefore, people work in entertainment industry enjoy a better wage than employee in no profession field. In conclusion, entertainer are generally paid higher than average people because of popularity and professional work. Entertainers are fairly paid in entertainment industry, just as other employees in different industries.
Employed in a job with decent salary is satisfying; whereas, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
with unsatisfied wage is discouraging. When compared with a film star,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a film star earns more than a million dollars a year.
Personally
, I disagree with this view, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are
fairly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
in accordance with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popularity
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
according to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popularity
. The more popular the star is, the higher he will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
. A well-known singer earns immense fortune; while, an ordinary singer with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
fame
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in other occupation to support his career.
In addition
, normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not wield pervasive influence as a
Consider using "celebrity".
famous celebrity
.
Therefore
, enterprises pay enormous money to hire celebrities for advertisements.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Entertainers
earn fortune from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popularity
, which is the trait that normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
Possible spelling mistake found.
posess
;
thus
, they are not over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
for nothing.

Moreover
, entertainment is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
job.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are required
to acquire particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to perform entertaining. Film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are
Consider using a past participle here: "opted".
opt
in acting; musicians are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at composing, singing and
Possible spelling mistake found.
porforming
.
Thus
, without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
knowledge in those field,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot commence the entertainment.
Generally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
works are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
higher than non
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
job.
For instance
, engineers, doctors and lawyers are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more than occupation like waiter and salesman.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in entertainment industry enjoy a better wage than employee in no profession field.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainer
are
generally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
higher than average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popularity
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Entertainers
are
fairly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
in entertainment industry,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as other employees in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
industries.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film starts, pop musicians and sports starts) are paid too much money. Which other type of jobs should be highly paid? v. 22

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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