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Some people believe that video games could inspire young students' interest and make their study more efficient rather than distract them and be a waste of time, so young students should be allowed to play video games. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that video games could inspire young students' interest and make their study more efficient rather than distract them and be a waste of time, so young students should be allowed to play video games. v. 1
No one can cast a shadow of doubt on the fact that state of art devices and technologies has played an important role in the young people’s life. They use some of these high-technology devices in their leisure time as a fun and entertainment. Not all people concur when this issue arises. To being cognizant to the logic behind those who endorse or repudiate the legitimacy of this contention, not having any biased perception, I presume that playing video games is not proper for young students at their breaks and they could replace these games with some profitable activities. Among a plentitude of reasons in support of this assertion, psychological and physical damages and addiction to these games could be picked up for further analysis. To commence with, a consensus has yet to be reached; however, regarding the aggression and extra weight as negative effects of these video games, based on the statistics of different general questionnaires in sundry countries, people are unanimous about the conviction that students devoted many times for playing with these cutting-edge devices and their physical activities is low. To elucidate on, these games do not need any movement and the fat collects in the body of the students. Furthermore, these games have very harsh scenes and stories which could change student’s behaviors and makes them aggressive in their life. A vivid example can be given to shed light on what was elaborated above. The results of a study carried out by Rice University’s graduate students unveiled the fact that about 85 percent of students who have some psychological problems in the secondary schools played video games for more than 4 hours in each day. In addition to the reason raised above; being addicted to these games could also substantiate the justifiability of the claim made at the outset of this essay. In conjunction with public belief, students spend a lot of time for playing and abandon other activities such as studying and sport. To delineate, students play out of standard and could not focus on other activities which deplete their performance. For instance, my cousin played very much with video games and he addicted to playing games and did not give up T. V and games. In addition, he did not spend time for cleaning and regularity. These behavior shows his addiction to these games and made him aggressive and ill. Drawing upon the reasons, discreetly put, as far as my personal perspective on the topic is concerned, I reiterate that playing video games is harmful to students and it has bad effects on their health in both aspects of psychology and body.
No one can cast a shadow of doubt on the fact that
The phrase 'state of art' is correct if it refers to the condition of art. But, if you mean 'most recent technological development', use the noun "state of the art" or the adjective "state-of-the-art".
state of art
devices and technologies has played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these high-technology devices in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as a fun and entertainment. Not all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
concur when this issue arises. To being cognizant to the logic behind those who endorse or repudiate the legitimacy of this contention, not having any biased perception, I presume that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is not proper for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
at their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
breaks and
they could replace these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
profitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Among a
Possible spelling mistake found.
plentitude
of reasons in support of this assertion, psychological and physical damages and addiction to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
could
be picked
up for
further
analysis.

To commence with, a consensus has
yet
to
be reached
;
however
, regarding the aggression and extra weight as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, based on the statistics of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
general questionnaires in sundry countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are unanimous about the conviction that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
devoted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
with these cutting-edge devices and their physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is low. To elucidate on, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
do not need any movement and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
collects in the body of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Furthermore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
harsh scenes and stories which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
behaviors and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them aggressive in their life. A vivid example can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to shed light on what
was elaborated
above. The results of a study carried out by Rice University’s graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
unveiled the fact that about 85 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
psychological problems in the secondary schools played
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for more than 4 hours in each day.

In addition
to the reason raised above;
being addicted
to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
could
also
substantiate the
Possible spelling mistake found.
justifiability
of the claim made at the outset of this essay. In conjunction with public belief,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
and abandon other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as studying and sport. To delineate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
play out of standard and could not focus on other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which deplete their performance.
For instance
, my cousin played
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
he addicted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and did not give up T. V and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
In addition
, he did not spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for cleaning and regularity. These behavior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
his addiction to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and made him aggressive and ill.

Drawing upon the reasons,
discreetly
put, as far as my personal perspective on the topic
is concerned
, I reiterate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is harmful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on their health in both aspects of psychology and body.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that video games could inspire young students' interest and make their study more efficient rather than distract them and be a waste of time, so young students should be allowed to play video games. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
438 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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