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Some people feel that entertainers(eg. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? v.2

Some people feel that entertainers(eg. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 2
No one can deny the fact that some professions are paid more and others less. Duties like that of doctors, nurses or armed forces can not be weighed on the basis of money paid as they are very much necessary for the society and nation. But these noble occupation' s sometimes do not get that much amount of monetary benefits as they deserve in comparison to entertainers. They are judged on the factors of knowledge and experience. I believe there should be a certain measuring stick for celebrities too. Although, many would argue the fact that people like film stars, pop musicians or sports stars have short lived career and hence are paid well. To add, they say that these stars do not enjoy any breaks during their work stint as well as no retirement benefits. So they have to plan their future living and in the process they are earning huge amount to secure their next phase of life post leaving that industry. On the other hand, people in certain profiles are more dedicated to noble cause and working towards betterment of the people and the country. Hence these jobs can not be neglected and should be paid at par with those of stars. The traditional approach of paying should be scrapped and some new measure should be implemented. To conclude, I would say that no drastic measures should be taken immediately but there should be some kind of autonomous body or committee to review the perks structure so the lesser paid sections do not feel let down. A nation can survive without reel life stars but not without real life stars.
No one can deny the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
professions are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
less. Duties like that of doctors, nurses or armed forces can not
be weighed
on the basis of money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
as they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much necessary for the society and nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
these noble
Possible spelling mistake found.
occupation&
#039; s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
that much amount of monetary benefits as they deserve
in comparison
to entertainers. They
are judged
on the factors of knowledge and experience. I believe there should be a certain measuring stick for celebrities too.

Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
would argue the fact that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
, pop musicians or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
have short
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
career and
hence
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
, they say that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
do not enjoy any breaks during their work stint
as well
as no retirement benefits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
plan their future living and in the process they are earning huge amount to secure their
next
phase of life post leaving that industry.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in certain profiles are more dedicated to noble cause and working towards betterment of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and the country.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
these jobs can not
be neglected
and should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
at par with those of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
. The traditional approach of paying should
be scrapped
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new measure should
be implemented
.

To conclude
, I would say that no drastic measures should
be taken
immediately
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of autonomous body or committee to review the perks structure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the lesser
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
sections do not feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
down. A nation can survive without reel life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not without real life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers(eg. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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