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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? v.4

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 4
There is an undeniable fact that entertainment has become a vital part of everyone’s life. Owing to this, sports and film stars are among the highest earning people of the world. In my perspective, the wealth and fame these entertainers earn is worth with respect to their tremendous work. However, I believe personnel working in defence and armed forces should also be paid at higher pay scale. To begin with, the first and foremost reason to support my viewpoint is that these days movies and sports are the best sources of entertainment among all age groups. To elaborate, almost every individual spend their leisure time in watching a movie, sport or listening to music. Consequently, this leads to the growth of these industries and the entertainers associated with them. Therefore, high earning of industries brings high income for the actors and players. Another crucial reason that entertainers are paid huge amounts of money is that they often bring moments of pride to the nation with their work. In other words, owing to their diligent work and enthusiasm, these stars earn fame not only in their native countries but also represent their nation across the globe. Taking an example of an Indian singer AR Rehman, who won first ever Oscar for his nation. Thus, they deserve wealth for their unmatched contribution. Despite these entertainers, there are various other fields which should be paid well. These include armed services such as, police, army, natural disaster relief force, air and navy force. The reason for this is that they risk their lives to safeguard the citizens. Also, they spend many days away from their families and went through the hardships of living in extreme weather conditions such as Siachin glaciers to protect their country. For instance, army personnel spends only one month off from his duty throughout a year. Therefore, they also deserve more appreciation and rewards. In conclusion, I agree that actors and sports stars should be paid high amounts of money due to their increasing popularity as an entertainer and contribution to the nation’s pride. However, in my opinion, people working in defence and relief forces should also be considered for the high value payment.
There is an undeniable fact that entertainment has become a vital part of everyone’s life. Owing to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and film stars are among the highest earning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the world. In my perspective, the wealth and fame these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
earn is worth with respect to their tremendous work.
However
, I believe personnel working in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
and armed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
should
also
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
at higher pay scale.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
first
and foremost reason to support my viewpoint is that these days movies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are the best sources of entertainment among all age groups. To elaborate, almost every individual spend their leisure time in watching a movie,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
or listening to music.
Consequently
, this leads to the growth of these industries and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
associated with them.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
earning of industries brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income for the actors and players.

Another crucial reason that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
huge amounts of money is that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
bring moments of pride to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
with their work.
In other words
, owing to their diligent work and enthusiasm, these stars earn fame not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in their native countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
represent their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
across the globe. Taking an example of an Indian singer AR
Possible spelling mistake found.
Rehman
, who won
first
ever Oscar for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
.
Thus
, they deserve wealth for their unmatched contribution.

Despite these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
, there are various other fields which should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well. These include armed services such as, police, army, natural disaster relief
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
, air and navy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
.
The reason for this is
that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to safeguard the citizens.
Also
, they spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
days away from their families and went through the hardships of living in extreme weather conditions such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Siachin
glaciers to protect their country.
For instance
, army personnel spends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one month off from his duty throughout a year.
Therefore
, they
also
deserve more appreciation and rewards.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that actors and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
stars should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
amounts of money due to their increasing popularity as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainer
and contribution to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation’s
pride.
However
, in my opinion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
and relief
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
should
also
be considered
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
value payment.
24Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
364 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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