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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? v.9

Nowadays, showbiz is becoming more popular. The number of people are getting increased in entertainment industry. It is argued that these entertainers are being paid huge ransom of money for their jobs. Firstly, many celebrities in fields such as movies music and sports are having million number of followers and often considered icons of the country. Some people are being paid higher remunerations for contribution of their work rather than expected. For example, One of the famous film star appeared in an advertisement who showed his fit body for advertising a protein powder for which he is getting a high pay cheque for his small role. Secondly, there are many jobs in the outside world rather than entertainment profession such as policemen, teachers, doctors etc who need high increments for their tremendous contributions to the society For instance, Being an army officer is a job associated with major high risks due to which they may loose their lives for the country, so they have to be well paid to for the amount of the work they are doing for the nation. In Conclusion, not only film stars, musicians etc, the government have to increase the salaries of all sorts of jobs on whom the future of the country is dependent such as doctors, policemen and teachers they should be paid a sound salary so that they can lead a good life and give best service to the society
Nowadays, showbiz is becoming more popular. The number of
people
are
getting increased in entertainment industry. It
is argued
that these entertainers are being
paid
huge ransom of money for their jobs.

Firstly
,
many
celebrities in fields such as movies music and sports are having
million
number of followers and
often
considered icons of the country.
Some
people
are being
paid
higher remunerations for contribution of their work
rather
than
expected
.
For example
,

One of the
famous
film star appeared in an advertisement who
showed
his fit body for advertising a protein powder for which he is getting a high pay
cheque
for his
small
role.

Secondly
, there are
many
jobs in the outside world
rather
than entertainment profession such as policemen, teachers, doctors etc who need high increments for their tremendous contributions to the society
For instance
, Being an army officer is a job associated with major high
risks
due to which they may
loose
their
lives
for the country,
so
they
have to
be well
paid
to for the amount of the work they are doing for the nation.

In Conclusion
, not
only
film stars, musicians etc, the
government
have to
increase the salaries of all sorts of jobs on whom the future of the country is dependent such as doctors, policemen and teachers they should be
paid
a sound salary
so
that they can lead a
good
life and
give best
service to the society
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IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
237 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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