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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other jobs should be highly paid? v.6

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid too much money. Which other jobs should be highly paid? v. 6
It is believed by some that people working in the entertainment industry are paid too much. In this essay I will discuss the reasons why I completely agree such as the unimportance to society and their work relative to society. I will also discuss which other work forces should be paid more. Entertainers are not an integral part of society. They do not help or grow the community in any way. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid footballer in the world. His weekly wages are more than an average person makes in a year. Running for 90 minutes on a field does not live up to the incredible work that is done by other professionals. As a result, the role of entertainers does not justify their earnings. There are various other professions who have a much greater impact on society but their income is not reflective of this. Doctors are a fine example of this because every single day they are saving lives yet some still earn a measly salary compared to entertainers. Moreover, medical training is extensive and expensive. For these reasons, doctors are more deserving of high salaries, especially for the long hours and good work they do. In addition, teachers are also servants to the society who dedicate their life in educating people. They too, are hopelessly underpaid. For these reasons, people should be paid according to their contribution to the society and economy. In conclusion, I completely agree that entertainers earn too much money relative to their contribution to society. Individuals should be paid according to their dedication and hard work.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working in the entertainment industry are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
too much. In this essay I will discuss the reasons why I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
such as the
Possible spelling mistake found.
unimportance
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
relative to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. I will
also
discuss which other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
forces should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more.

Entertainers are not an integral part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. They do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
or grow the community in any way.
For example
, Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
footballer in the world. His weekly wages are more than an average person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
in a year. Running for 90 minutes on a field does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
up to the incredible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
that
is done
by other professionals.
As a result
, the role of entertainers does not justify their earnings.

There are various other professions who have a much greater impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their income is not reflective of this. Doctors are a fine example of this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every single day they are saving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
yet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
still
earn a measly salary compared to entertainers.
Moreover
, medical training is extensive and expensive. For these reasons, doctors are more deserving of high salaries,
especially
for the long hours and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they do.
In addition
, teachers are
also
servants to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
who dedicate their life in educating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. They too, are
hopelessly
underpaid. For these reasons,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
according to their contribution to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and economy.

In conclusion
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that entertainers earn too much money relative to their contribution to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Individuals should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
according to their dedication and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid too much money. Which other jobs should be highly paid? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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