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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid v.2

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid v. 2
It is argued by many people that being famous is problematic and yet has some merits too. I believe despite some concerns about their safety, celebrity status provides them with enormous wealth, unlike an average person. Famous people often attract unwanted attention and are followed by stalkers which can be a concern for their safety. That is to say, due to their profession they are always been targeted by people who post nasty comments on social media, it is common to hear threats on phones, or expecting absurd letters from obsessed fans. Perhaps the most common example would kylie Jenner who was mobbed by her fan during her company launch at Sephora outlet. Although she didn’t get any injury, she was unhappy as it required her to cancel the event. However, these incidents can be restricted or can be minimized to zero by implementing a stringent security system. Fame and status of celebrity bring a huge fortune to them that is more or less impractical for most of us to even think about. Profit earned by celebrities is often way too bigger than an average salary. With uncountable wealth, celebrities can buy luxurious cars, home and can turn a dream into a to reality. For example, Paris Hiltlon, Justin Beiber and other famous celebrities earn millions of dollars by performing in a single concert, whereas an ordinary person might not be able to earn this amount in his entire lifetime. Hence, I believe being famous allows you to enjoy worldly materialistic things and makes one wealthy that one can only desire to become. In conclusion, although being a celebrity has some downfall like they are at high risk of being harassed all the times, the advantage of a famous personality allows one to enjoy a luxurious life which many crave for is more significant than it’s other negative side.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
is problematic and
yet
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits too. I believe despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
concerns about their safety,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
status provides them with enormous wealth, unlike an average person.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
attract unwanted attention and
are followed
by stalkers which can be a concern for their safety.
That is
to say, due to their profession they are always
been targeted
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who post nasty comments on social media, it is common to hear threats on phones, or expecting absurd letters from obsessed fans. Perhaps the most common example would
Possible spelling mistake found.
kylie
Jenner who
was mobbed
by her fan during her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
launch at Sephora outlet. Although she didn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any injury, she was unhappy as it required her to cancel the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
However
, these incidents can
be restricted
or can
be minimized
to zero by implementing a stringent security system.

Fame and status of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
bring a huge fortune to them
that is
more or less impractical for most of us to even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about. Profit earned by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is
Please check whether an article is missing: "a often".
often
way too bigger than an average salary. With uncountable wealth,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
luxurious cars, home and can turn a dream into a to reality.
For example
, Paris
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hiltlon
, Justin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Beiber
and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
earn millions of dollars by performing in a single concert, whereas an ordinary person might not be able to earn this amount in his entire lifetime.
Hence
, I believe being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
you to enjoy worldly materialistic things and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
one wealthy that one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
desire to become.

In conclusion
, although being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "downfalls"?
downfall
like they are at high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
being harassed
all the times, the advantage of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
personality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
one to enjoy a luxurious life which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
crave for is more significant than it’s other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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