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some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v.5

some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 5
In recent years, the world has witnessed the growth of the entertainment industry on a large scale. As a result of this, entertainers such as actors, musicians, comedians and sports stars are awarded more than average worker in financial terms. It is often argued that their paycheques are above normal persons pay grade. In my opinion, I completely agree that celebrities deserve the amount that they receive for their hard work. There are numerous reasons why they deserve to be paid more as compared to people from other industries. To begin with, such people have to face enormous competition, as millions of people desire to become a celebrity. Considering the competition, an individual requires to perform extraordinarily and needs to get approval by thousands of people in order to be successful not just their seniors. In addition to this, entertainers have to be successful every time while performing on their respective platforms. One unsuccessful performance could set them back for years. As I could recall, a famous cricketer could not perform well due to which his team lost the match resulting him to retire from the team permanently. Apart from the entertainers, there are various people who deserve a handsome amount for their work such as doctors, soldiers, scientists and teachers. All these people have a significant impact on people’s lives, as they are able to shape individual life for a better future. Moreover, soldiers risks and sacrifices their life on borders to protect us from terrorism. To conclude, it is justified to pay a massive amount to entertainers for their hard work. However, doctors, soldiers teachers and scientist also deserve the same amount of their work and contribution to the world.
In recent years, the world has witnessed the growth of the entertainment industry on a large scale.
As a result
of this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
such as actors, musicians, comedians and sports stars
are awarded
more than average worker in financial terms. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that their
Possible spelling mistake found.
paycheques
are above normal persons pay grade. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
that they receive for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.

There are numerous reasons why they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
to
be paid
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from other industries. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face enormous competition, as millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
desire to become a celebrity. Considering the competition, an individual requires
Did you mean "performing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to perform
extraordinarily
and needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
approval by thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in order to be successful not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
their seniors.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be successful every time while performing on their respective platforms. One unsuccessful performance could set them back for years. As I could recall, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
cricketer could not perform well due to which his team lost the match resulting him to retire from the team
permanently
.

Apart from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
, there are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
a handsome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
for their work such as doctors, soldiers, scientists and teachers. All these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a significant impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, as they are able to shape individual life for a better future.
Moreover
, soldiers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and sacrifices their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
on borders to protect us from terrorism.

To conclude
, it
is justified
to pay a massive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.
However
, doctors, soldiers teachers and scientist
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserve
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of their work and contribution to the world.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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