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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 1
In recent days, with a drastic development in the technology, people are gaining more exposure through television and media. In this case, it is naked to every one that the celebrities are paid with a huge amount of money for the job they do, whereas those who struggle hard to fulfil even their basic requirements of life are underpaid. I deeply agree with the former statement. So let us discuss the reasons behind such type of differentiation in the remaining part of the essay. To embark with the discussion, celebrities are used by some major companies to advertise their brands for which they claim a huge pay in return. The involvement of these eminent people in advertisements were comparatively low in olden days. I do accept that they entertain people and gain fame through their hard work and talent but paying them a huge amount is quite unacceptable. Recently, I came across an interview where a leading actress openly keeps her statement that she is paid with so many lakhs for a project. There are lot many people who does various types of job out of our imagination yet being payed low. Foe example, we have helpers all over the country who keep the surroundings clean by sweeping and clearing the drainages, yet being paid with an insufficient amount to even run their family. The life saviours can be pointed out as another example, who does risky jobs to save the people's life, but being paid low apart from other facilities. These two can be a better illustration to show the differentiation in the payments given to a person for their work. To summarize the overall idea, I do agree that the celebrities are paid with a large sum of money for their job, which is easily familiarised through television and media. But the real heroes, who perform risky jobs are unseen and underpaid.
In recent days, with a drastic development in the technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are gaining more exposure through television and media.
In this case
, it
is naked
to every one that the celebrities are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
with a huge amount of money for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
they do, whereas those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
struggle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to fulfil even their basic requirements of life are underpaid. I
deeply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former statement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us discuss the reasons behind such type of differentiation in the remaining part of the essay.

To embark with the discussion, celebrities are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to advertise their brands for which they claim a huge pay in return. The involvement of these eminent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in advertisements were
comparatively
low in olden days. I do accept that they entertain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and gain fame through their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and talent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
paying them a huge amount is quite unacceptable. Recently, I came across an interview where a leading actress
openly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
her statement that she is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
lakhs for a project.

There are lot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Did you mean "do"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
does
various types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
out of our imagination
yet
being
Only in a nautical context 'payed' is an acceptable past tense form of 'pay'. Please check!
payed
low. Foe example, we have helpers all over the country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the surroundings clean by sweeping and clearing the drainages,
yet
being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
with an insufficient amount to even run their family. The life
Possible spelling mistake found.
saviours
can
be pointed
out as another example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
does risky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to save the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
low apart from other facilities. These two can be a better illustration to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the differentiation in the payments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to a person for their work.

To summarize
the
overall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the celebrities are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
with a large sum of money for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, which is
easily
Possible spelling mistake. 'familiarised' is British English.
familiarised
through television and media.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the real heroes,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
perform risky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are unseen and underpaid.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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