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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v.10

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 10
The entertainment industry is constantly on the rise. A few celebrities such as actors, singers and athletes earn millions every year. This essay is going to agree that the enormous amount of money they have been paid is not fair. Analysing the advantages of the work they perform and comparing their wages with other professions which are more relevant to societies will prove this. Famous entertainers are privileged for working in what they love and on top of that being highly paid. As well as they enjoy many other benefits of being stars. For example, it is not a secret that famous people receive expensive gifts and free access to the most flashy events around the world just because their stardom not because their relevance to societies. Thus the majority of them has a fancy life without paying for this, so they do not need high wages to have a standard living. On the other hand, there are workers building and caring of the basis of societies such as teachers and doctors, whom many are earning low wages. For instance, the increase of strikes in the educational and health sectors is an illustration of the unfair conditions of their employees. As a result, the foundations of societies are under treat. In order to avoid social problems, teachers and doctors should have higher salaries. In conclusion, it is clear that societies are praising more celebrities than other professionals who are more likely to contribute to their growth. It is agreed that the current salary of some celebrities is a misuse of money. Therefore, teachers and doctors should earn higher payments since they perform crucial tasks for societies.
The entertainment industry is
constantly
on the rise. A few celebrities such as actors, singers and athletes earn millions every year. This essay is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the enormous amount of money they have
been paid
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the advantages of the work they perform and comparing their wages with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions which are more relevant to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
will prove this.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
entertainers
are privileged
for working in what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and
on top of that
being
highly
paid.
As well
as they enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
benefits of being stars.
For example
, it is not a secret that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
receive expensive gifts and free access to the most flashy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
around the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their stardom not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their relevance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the majority of them has a fancy life without paying for this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not need high wages to have a standard living.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are workers building and caring of the basis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
such as teachers and doctors, whom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are earning low wages.
For instance
, the increase of strikes in the educational and health sectors is an illustration of the unfair conditions of their employees.
As a result
, the foundations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
are under treat. In order to avoid social problems, teachers and doctors should have higher salaries.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
are praising more celebrities than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals who are more likely to contribute to their growth. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
salary of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
celebrities is a misuse of money.
Therefore
, teachers and doctors should earn higher payments since they perform crucial tasks for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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