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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree. Which other types of job should be highly paid v.3

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid v. 3
Nowadays, high salaries paid to entertainers have become a major topic of discussion. It is often thought that celebrities {Athletes, footballers, musicians, film actors} earn excessive income. I disagree that their income is too much since their job are not pensionable and have shorter year of service. The major reason why the salary paid to entertainers commensurate with their job is that they do not receive any pension after announcing their retirement. Unlike other professions, whatever they earn during their active service, is what they will have to spend for the rest of their life. How they live after they have retired depend on how they are able to manage their financial resources. At present, most of them that live an extravagant lifestyle are bankrupt namely MC hammer (American rapper), Mike Tyson(boxing champion) Eboue (professional footballer), etc. Another obvious reason is that they only receive that high wages for a short period of time. In order words, they are only relevant for a short period of time and it is during this period that they earn the excessive salary. Meanwhile, they are grossly affected by age and injuries which put them off the screen and bring an end to their career and money most times. For example, Michael Jordan, the basketballer is no more relevant, because old age has truncated his career so he cannot play again. Therefore, if entertainers are paid a small salary, they will be poor and not ready to put in their best when they are active However, they are other professionals that should receive huge benefits too because of their training and nature of their job. For instance, doctors undergo an extensive training in order to be a professional and saves people's life. In addition, they are called to duty in emergencies or an outbreak of epidemic such as cholera, Ebola, etc. In conclusion, I disagree that money paid to those that entertainers are too much as there is no pay after retirement. Also, Doctors should not be left out in the list of highly paid people.
Nowadays, high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
have become a major topic of discussion. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that celebrities {Athletes, footballers, musicians, film actors} earn excessive income. I disagree that their income is too much since their job are not pensionable and have shorter year of service.

The major reason why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
commensurate with their job is that they do not receive any pension after announcing their retirement. Unlike other professions, whatever they earn during their active service, is what they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend for the rest of their life. How they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
after they have retired depend on how they are able to manage their financial resources. At present, most of them that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
an extravagant lifestyle are bankrupt
namely
MC hammer (American rapper), Mike Tyson(boxing champion)
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eboue
(professional footballer), etc.

Another obvious reason is that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
receive that high wages for a short period of time. In order words, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
relevant for a short period of time and it is during this period that they earn the excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
. Meanwhile, they are
grossly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by age and injuries which put them off the screen and bring an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to their career and money most times.
For example
, Michael Jordan, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
basketballer
is no more relevant,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age has truncated his career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he cannot play again.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
, they will be poor and not ready to put in their best when they are active

However
, they are other professionals that should receive huge benefits too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their training and nature of their job.
For instance
, doctors undergo an extensive training in order to be a professional and saves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life.
In addition
, they
are called
to duty in emergencies or an outbreak of epidemic such as cholera, Ebola, etc.

In conclusion
, I disagree that money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
to those that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are too much as there is no pay after retirement.
Also
, Doctors should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out in the list of
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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