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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend v.1

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend v. 1
In the last decade, the number of obese children in western countries has been increased by 20%. This essay will discuss firstly, that the increase in the consumption of the junk food and reduction in physical activities, are the main causes behind the obesity in children and secondly, due to these reasons, youngsters are facing several health and mental issues; followed by a conclusion. Most of the developed countries have a fast-paced lifestyle therefore, consumption of fast food is very popular. Adolescents can be found consuming junk food frequently, which makes them fat. Moreover, with the introduction of the latest video, games, children prefer to play indoor rather than indulging in a physical sport. This is also contributing to their increased weight. For instance, a study done by Cambridge University on the obese children found out, 90% of them prefer to play video games over physical sport and the amount of junk food they consume is way too high as compared to a healthy child of their age. Consequently, teenagers are being diagnosed with serious health issues like Diabetes, Cardiac issues etc. Junk food is highly processed food with massive amount of sugar and oil in it, which brings obesity among children and hence health issues. Furthermore, obese children are usually low on confidence due to their appearance and this could lead to depression and other mental issues. For example, on analysing data of teenage patients, it has been found that 80% of children who were diagnosed with diabetes and 45% of children who were diagnosed with depression were overweight. To recapitulate, this essay has illustrated that increase in obesity among children is mainly due to eating fast food on a regular basis and inactive lifestyle. Furthermore, it brings a variety of health disorder in the early stage of life.
In the last decade, the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western countries has
been increased
by 20%. This essay will discuss
firstly
, that the increase in the consumption of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and reduction in physical activities, are the main causes behind the obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
secondly
, due to these reasons, youngsters are facing several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
; followed by a conclusion.

Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced lifestyle
therefore
, consumption of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular. Adolescents can
be found
consuming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
frequently
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
Moreover
, with the introduction of the latest video, games,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer to play indoor
rather
than indulging in a physical sport. This is
also
contributing to their increased weight.
For instance
, a study done by Cambridge University on the obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
found out, 90% of them prefer to play video games over physical sport and the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
they consume is way too high as compared to a healthy child of their age.

Consequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are
being diagnosed
with serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
like Diabetes, Cardiac
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
etc.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
highly
processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
with massive amount of sugar and oil in it, which brings obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
.
Furthermore
, obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
usually
low on confidence due to their appearance and this could lead to depression and other mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
.
For example
, on
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
data of teenage patients, it has
been found
that 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
were diagnosed
with diabetes and 45% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
were diagnosed
with depression were overweight.

To recapitulate, this essay has illustrated that increase in obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
mainly
due to eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
on a regular basis and inactive lifestyle.
Furthermore
, it brings a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
disorder in the early stage of life.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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