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In recent times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home? v.1

In recent times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home? v. 1
In recent years, young people tend to have more time for their friends while they spend less time with their families. Teenagers usually choose to be with their peers because they find them more available and understanding when compared to their family. I believe parents shouldn’t force their children instead they should find activities to gain their child’s attention. Overwhelming struggles of business world usually gets in the way of parents and their children. When both parents have to work for financial needs, children look outside to find the attention they need. Because on a daily basis, working parents aren’t available and even when they are at home, they are either tired of the work or there is always housework to do. For example, both of my parents were working and my mother would do house work when she gets back while my father would watch television complaining about his day, I had no choice but looking for friends to spend time and talk because they weren’t paying enough attention. Moreover, most parents forget they were a child once and they usually overreact to their children’s actions or decisions. They are either over-protective about their child or think that they can’t do mistakes which overwhelms their child. Such behaviours lead the child to prefer to be with his/her friends and discuss their problem instead of their parents. In conclusion, even if parents are working, they should spare a proper amount of time for their children to have a quality family time. Also, they should be aware of their reactions might frighten their children and damage their relationship.
In recent years, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their friends while they spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their families.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
usually
choose to be with their peers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they find them more available and understanding when compared to their family. I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
shouldn’t force their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
instead
they should find activities to gain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
attention.

Overwhelming struggles of business world
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
in the way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. When both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for financial needs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
look outside to find the attention they need.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
on a daily basis, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
aren’t available and even when they are at home, they are either tired of the work or there is always housework to do.
For example
, both of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were working and my mother would do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
work when she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
back while my father would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television complaining about his day, I had no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
looking for friends to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and talk
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they weren’t paying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attention.

Moreover
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
forget they were a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
once and
they
usually
overreact to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
actions or decisions. They are either over-protective about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they can’t do mistakes which overwhelms their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. Such
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
lead the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to prefer to be with his/her friends and discuss their problem
instead
of their parents.

In conclusion
, even if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are working, they should spare a proper amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have a quality family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Also
, they should be aware of their reactions might frighten their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and damage their relationship.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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Czech Proverb

IELTS essay In recent times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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