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Some people feel that entertainer (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid to much money. Do you agree or disagree? which other types of job should be highly paid? v.1

Some people feel that entertainer (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid to much money. which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 1
There is no doubt that the advancement of technology has transformed the people's communication. Although some people think that this development can have a detrimental impact on social life due to the reduced amount of time to meet their friends, it has many benefits such as easiness to contact the people. Looking back on the past, people communicate with friends via letter and phone. However, these two ways take a long time and are quite expensive for users. Being busy and far distance makes it hard for people to have a face to face meeting also. As a result, the relationships tend to be faded away over time. For instance, during the past generation only few people conduct get together between friends. This is due to the lack of accessibility between people. Even though every person has a communication postal address, it is extremely difficult to co-ordinate all people through the postal system. Nowadays, almost people use modern form of communication such as email and messaging, which is much more convenient owing to their benefits, Firstly, everyone can send an instant message to their friends everywhere with a very cheap price. Secondly, these modern forms are updated so that people can send out voice messages, pictures, Smilies, making the content of the conversation more interesting. For example, in my case, I have some foreign friends who I still keep contact with them through messengers. As a result, my social circle is bigger and I can broad my mind by chatting with others come from other countries. I think it is also difficult to argue that electronic email and messaging have reduced the amount of people see each other. In contrast, people are spending hours to hang out with their families and friends in the parties, events or entertainment areas. In conclusion, This essay disagree with the statement in the question and firmly believe that modern communications have greatly improved people's social lives.
There is no doubt that the advancement of technology has transformed the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this development can have a detrimental impact on social life due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
amount of time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits such as easiness to contact the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Looking back on the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
via letter and phone.
However
, these two ways take a long time and are quite expensive for users. Being busy and far distance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have a face to face meeting
also
.
As a result
, the relationships tend to
be faded
away over time.
For instance
, during the past generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
conduct
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. This is due to the lack of accessibility between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Even though
every person has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
postal address, it is
extremely
difficult to co-ordinate all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
through the postal system.

Nowadays, almost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
modern form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
such as email and messaging, which is much more convenient owing to their benefits,
Firstly
, everyone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
an instant message to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
everywhere with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
price.
Secondly
, these modern forms
are updated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
out voice messages, pictures,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Smilies
, making the content of the conversation more interesting.
For example
, in my case, I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
who I
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
contact with them through messengers.
As a result
, my social circle is bigger and I
The word 'broad' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
can broad
my mind by chatting with others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from other countries.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
also
difficult to argue that electronic email and messaging have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
each other.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending hours to hang out with their families and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
in the parties,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
or entertainment areas.

In conclusion
,
The verb 'disagree' is plural. Did you mean: "This essay disagrees"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This essay disagree
with the statement in the question and
firmly
believe that modern communications have
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainer (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid to much money. which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
322 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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