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Some people fail to maintain balance with work and other aspects of life. What are the reasons for failure? How can it be solved? v.1

Some people fail to maintain balance with work and other aspects of life. What are the reasons for failure? How can it be solved? v. 1
Every year, millions of people make resolutions to balance their professional compulsions and personal preferences. While this is not easy to achieve, it is possible to overcome some of the obstacles and enjoy a more balanced lifestyle. Let us delve deeper into the reasons for failure and their solutions to support my notion in the ensuing paragraphs. To begin with, many companies set a very high target for their employees. People strive on not losing their jobs because of the failed goal achievement. To elaborate, in order to achieve their goals in the workplace, they begin to give up on other parts of lives like socialising. To illustrate, an article published in “Bloomberg Businessweek” magazine in July 2019 stated that many bankers tend to miss their social events like birthday parties because they are busy at work in meeting the deadlines. Furthermore, most managers expect juniors to put in more working hours to get promotions. To substantiate, many people are ready to take up extra time in the office just to appear very committed despite of giving time to their loved ones. For instance, a survey organised by “United States Census Bureau” in May 2018 revealed that employees in production industries are given appraisals based on the quantity of job & the overtime incurred. In order to tackle this, government should fix the working hours and the minimum wage rate in the country. To elucidate, government needs to introduce a law to govern all types of wage-earners and salaried workforce so as to limit the burden of official tasks which in turn would help the employees work better. To exemplify, “Harvard University, USA” conducted a research in August 2014 and found that conducting awareness campaigns about the risk of doing overtime job hours helped both the company and the professionals to maintain stability in life & duties. To encapsulate, let us reiterate that the ability to handle work while maintaining the life balance is important. Time management and having realistic goals can help achieve these ambitions.
Every year, millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
resolutions to balance their professional compulsions and personal preferences. While this is not easy to achieve, it is possible to overcome
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
obstacles and enjoy a more balanced lifestyle.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us delve deeper into the reasons for failure and their solutions to support my notion in the ensuing paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
set a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high target for their employees.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
strive on not losing their jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the failed goal achievement. To elaborate, in order to achieve their goals in the workplace, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to give up on other parts of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
like
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
. To illustrate, an article published in “Bloomberg
Possible spelling mistake found.
Businessweek
” magazine in July 2019 stated that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
bankers tend to miss their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
like birthday parties
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are busy at work in meeting the deadlines.

Furthermore
, most managers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
juniors to put in more working hours to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotions. To substantiate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are ready to take up extra time in the office
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to appear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
committed
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
giving time to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.
For instance
, a survey
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by “United States Census Bureau” in May 2018 revealed that employees in production industries are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
appraisals based on the quantity of job & the overtime incurred.

In order to tackle this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
the working hours and the minimum wage rate in the country. To elucidate,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to introduce a law to govern all types of wage-earners and salaried workforce
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
limit the burden of official tasks which in turn would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the employees work better. To exemplify, “Harvard University, USA” conducted
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
in August 2014 and found that conducting awareness campaigns about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of doing overtime job hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and the professionals to maintain stability in life & duties.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
To
encapsulate,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us reiterate that the ability to handle work while maintaining the life balance is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. Time management and having realistic goals can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
achieve these ambitions.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people fail to maintain balance with work and other aspects of life. What are the reasons for failure? How can it be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
336 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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