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“In general, the relationship among members of family is looser and looser. What are the causes and effects of this phenomenon? v.1

“In general, the relationship among members of family is looser and looser. What are the causes and effects of this phenomenon? v. 1
It is argued that families nowadays have been isolated than ever before. There are some reasons for this phenomenon such as the parents’ occupation or modern devices and some solutions are recommended to alleviate these effects to get the families closer together. To begin with, there are a variety of reasons why families are not as closer nowadays. Firstly, parents tend to be fully occupied with the work due to the fact that they want to earn a fortune to secure their families’ future. Therefore, they do not have enough time to take care their children even though they really want to. The rapid development of technology is the second reason for this trend. Apart from benefits that cutting- edge devices bring about, it could contribute to the negative effects on family members, especially young people who are often tempted to social network or online games. Gradually, their conversation with other family members is getting rare. Some simple measures should be implemented to deal with these problems to encourage families to be closer. Firstly, family members should spend more their quality time with each other. Family gathering will definitely strengthen their bonds. For example, parents can help their offspring to do homework. Secondly, the family members should have some restriction on using modern techonology, instead they can make effort to talk together. The more they talk, the more likely they become closer. In conclusion, some reasons why families are not so close as they used to be have been identified and some solutions should be adopted to strengthen their relationship. Thus, it is highly recommended that people realize what really matters, and their happiness and time with their families should be regarded as a priority.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
nowadays have
been isolated
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for this phenomenon such as the parents’ occupation or modern devices and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions
are recommended
to alleviate these effects to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
closer together.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are not as closer nowadays.
Firstly
, parents tend to be
fully
occupied with the work due to the fact that they want to earn a fortune to secure their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families’
future.
Therefore
, they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to take care their children
even though
they
really
want to. The rapid development of technology is the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this trend. Apart from benefits that cutting- edge devices bring about, it could contribute to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
,
especially
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tempted to social network or online games.
Gradually
, their conversation with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
is getting rare.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
simple measures should
be implemented
to deal with these problems to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
to be closer.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
should spend more their quality time with each other.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
gathering will definitely strengthen their bonds.
For example
, parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their offspring to do homework.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restriction on using modern
Possible spelling mistake found.
techonology
,
instead
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
effort to talk together. The more they talk, the more likely they become closer.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
close as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be
Consider using a past participle here: "had".
have
been identified
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions should
be adopted
to strengthen their relationship.
Thus
, it is
highly
recommended that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
realize what
really
matters, and their happiness and time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
should
be regarded
as a priority.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay “In general, the relationship among members of family is looser and looser. What are the causes and effects of this phenomenon? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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