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Although the position of women in society today has improved, there is still a great deal of sexual discrimination. Do you agree? v.1

Although the position of women in society today has improved, there is still a great deal of sexual discrimination. Do you agree? v. 1
Throughout this century, the role of women within society has changed, and the majority of people feel that this change is for the better. More women work than ever before, it is accepted in western culture that many women now have careers. Nonetheless, in my opinion, there is still a great deal of sexual equality has been achieved is not altogether accurate. To begin with, many women find it very difficult to return to work after having children. The main reason for this is that there are rarely any provisions made for childcare and in the workplace and, in these cases, women are forced to find someone to look after the children while they are at work. Obviously, this can prove to be a time-consuming and expensive process, yet it must be done if mothers are to be able to resume their careers. Secondly, the traditional views of the position of women within society are so deeply ingrained that they have not really changed. For instance, not only is the view that women should stay at home and look after their family still widely held, but it is rain forced through images seen on television programmes and advertisements. An example of this is that few men are ever seen doing house work on television, seen this is traditionally thought of as " a woman`s job". Thirdly, since families often need two incomes in order to enjoy a good standard of living, a woman finds herself doing two jobs: one at home and one at the office. So, it could be said that a woman`s position has, in fact, deteriorated rather than improved, with the result that women carry the burdens of equality but get none of the benefits. In contrast, there are some people who claim that the problem of sexual discrimination no longer exists. The point out that women do, after all, have legal rights intended to protect them from discrimination. In addition, a few women are now beginning to reach top positions as judges, business leaders and politicians, while a number of other previously all-male professions are opening their ranks to women. Nonetheless, these examples are not the norm and discrimination is still very much with us. Taking these points into consideration, I would say that the position of women has improved only slightly. While, rules and laws have changed, it is the deep-rooted opinions of people within society which are taking a longer time to evolve. Needless to say, until these attitudes have changed, sexual discrimination will remain a problem which we all need to face and fight against.
Throughout this century, the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
within society has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, and the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is for the better. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in western culture that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have careers. Nonetheless, in my opinion, there is
still
a great deal of sexual equality has
been achieved
is not altogether accurate.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
find it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to return to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after having children. The main reason for this is that there are rarely any provisions made for childcare and in the workplace and, in these cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are forced
to find someone to look after the children while they are at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Obviously
, this can prove to be a time-consuming and expensive process,
yet
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be done
if mothers are to be able to resume their careers.

Secondly
, the traditional views of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
within society are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
deeply
ingrained that they have not
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.
For instance
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
is the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should stay at home and look after their family
still
widely
held,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is rain forced through images
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on television
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
and advertisements. An example of this is that few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are ever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
doing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on television,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
this is
traditionally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of as
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
a
The character between 'woman' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "woman’s" (curly apostrophe) or "woman's" (straight apostrophe).
woman`s
job
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.

Thirdly
, since families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
need two incomes in order to enjoy a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
standard of living, a woman finds herself doing two jobs: one at home and one at the office.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it could
be said
that a
The character between 'woman' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "woman’s" (curly apostrophe) or "woman's" (straight apostrophe).
woman`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
has, in fact, deteriorated
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
, with the result that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
carry the burdens of equality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
none of the benefits.

In contrast
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who claim that the problem of sexual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discrimination
no longer exists. The point out that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
do,
after all
, have legal rights intended to protect them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discrimination
.
In addition
, a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
beginning to reach top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
as judges, business leaders and politicians, while a number of other previously all-male professions are opening their ranks to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. Nonetheless, these examples are not the norm and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discrimination
is
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much with us.

Taking these points into consideration, I would say that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
slightly
. While,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and laws have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, it is the deep-rooted opinions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
within society which are taking a longer time to evolve. Needless to say, until these attitudes have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, sexual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discrimination
will remain a problem which we all need to face and fight against.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Although the position of women in society today has improved, there is still a great deal of sexual discrimination. Do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
432 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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