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Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think it has more advantages or disadvantages? v.2

Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think it has more advantages or disadvantages? v. 2
It is increasingly popular today that some individuals opt to take a period of time off to apply for a job or go somewhere before pursing tertiary education. My own view on this matter is that it has more drawbacks than benefits which also show some merits. Regarding the plus points, people can doubtlessly gain a considerable number of key skills and practical knowledge from this trend which are crucial for them when they officially work. Several skills like budgeting, decision-making, leading a team and persuading customers will be gradually developed through working and traveling process. For instance, when a graduate works as a full-time accountant for a company before joining universities, he will be more likely to know how to calculate and manage the amount of money for specific activities so that it will not go bankrupt. Therefore, his experience on money-management will be a distinct advantage for him to best other interviewees when he finds another job after graduating from university. Nevertheless, to my way of thinking, minus points overshadow the above points. First, people will stand to suffer from loneliness and have to solve every problem which, I believe, are difficult to some people. In particular, if they have their valuables stolen during a trip, females will find it hard to stay calm to call the police themselves. Or whenever they have something to confide to, there is nobody beside them to listen to. Second, individuals also have to spend more money on plane tickets, amenities, reservation in a hotel and personal items as they are independent on finance once they decide to take a gap time. Thus, it probably will be a huge challenge for poor graduates to do this. Finally, people will possibly be mentally hurted and not feel motivated when they meet failures and see their peers happily work a high-paid job after leaving college whereas they are sometimes not sure about their future. This could lead to their poor performances at work and easily quitting what they are doing. As has been noted, I still insist that the weaknesses of this tendency outweigh the strengths due to those reasons.
It is
increasingly
popular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals opt to take a period of time off to apply for a job or go somewhere
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
pursing tertiary education. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view on this matter is that it has more drawbacks than benefits which
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits.

Regarding the plus points,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
doubtlessly
gain a considerable number of key
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and practical knowledge from this trend which are crucial for them when they
officially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like budgeting, decision-making, leading a team and persuading customers will be
gradually
developed through working and traveling process.
For instance
, when a graduate works as a full-time accountant for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
joining universities, he will be more likely to know how to calculate and manage the amount of money for specific activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it will not go bankrupt.
Therefore
, his experience on money-management will be a distinct advantage for him
A determiner is probably missing here: "to the best".
to best
other interviewees when he finds another job after graduating from university.

Nevertheless
, to my way of thinking, minus points overshadow the above points.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will stand to suffer from loneliness and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
solve every problem which, I believe, are difficult to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
In particular
, if they have their valuables stolen during a trip, females will find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to stay calm to call the police themselves. Or whenever they have something to confide to, there is nobody beside them to listen to. Second, individuals
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend more money on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plane
tickets, amenities, reservation in a hotel and personal items as they are independent on finance once they decide to take a gap time.
Thus
, it
probably
will be a huge challenge for poor graduates to do this.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
possibly
be mentally
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "hurt", the past tense form of the verb 'hurt'?
hurted
and not feel motivated when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
failures and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their peers
happily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
a high-paid job after leaving college whereas they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
not sure about their future. This could lead to their poor performances at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
easily
quitting what they are doing.

As has
been noted
, I
still
insist that the weaknesses of this tendency outweigh the strengths due to those reasons.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people do not go directly to college but travel or work for a short time. Do you think it has more advantages or disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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