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Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v. 1
It is true that nowadays, a very large number of people who decide to begin their own business as a replacement for working for other companies and organization. In my opinion, while I think that it brings both benefits and detriments, I believe that the disadvantages is outweighed by the advantages and I will explain why in my essay. On the one hand, there are many benefits about starting the own business. First of all, you can devote all the efforts and time to this business in order to make your own profits by controlling the money that you have made. Secondly, you can make your own decisions without any complaint from anybody. For example, Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, who has created the first smartphone that have changed the way people lives nowadays, although he has to suffer from many of the critics from other famous brands at first. Furthermore, you could do whatever you want at any times. On the other hands, there are also drawbacks of beginning your business. Firstly, you have a large opportunity of losing your money and careers because you will have a little financial support from other people. Secondly, you will easier to fall failure unless you do not have much practical experience and skills. In conclusion, I think that although you might fail from the start if you start your own business, there are many advantages that offer you have it.
It is true that nowadays, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
as a replacement for working for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and organization. In my opinion, while I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it brings both benefits and detriments, I believe that the disadvantages
is outweighed
by the advantages and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why in my essay.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits about starting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, you can devote all the efforts and time to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
profits by controlling the money that you have made.

Secondly
, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions without any complaint from anybody.
For example
, Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, who has created the
first
smartphone that have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
lives
nowadays, although he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the critics from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
brands at
first
.
Furthermore
, you could do whatever you want at any times.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hands, there are
also
drawbacks of beginning your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
.
Firstly
, you have a large opportunity of losing your money and careers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
financial support from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Secondly
, you will easier to fall failure unless you do not have much practical experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that although you might fail from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages that offer you have it.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
240 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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