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Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? v.2

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? v. 2
Due to advances in technology and improved support from banks, it is becoming increasingly common for people to become entrepreneurs rather than work for some company or organization. Although there are some financial risks of starting a business, believe the increased income and freedom often outweigh the drawbacks. There are two main disadvantages to starting any business. The greatest risk is, of course, investing all their money and effort into a new business. Unless they can afford some percentage of loss, considering the market is always changing, business owners must consider the possibility of failure. Another disadvantage is that there are many competitors out there working hard to steal your customers and take away your business. This means any business must have a unique idea to sell in the market and to attract more customers. Because of this, business owners incur more expenses in marketing and other extra resources like workers and facilities. On the other hand, starting a business is more enjoyable for some (people). Some people do not like to work as an employee and follow orders, so they have difficulties following instructions from managers. Having one’s own company means being able to work freely at one’s own pace. Another benefit of starting a business is the opportunity to participate in local events or globally. Attending these events is still possible while working for a company, but this would be at the discretion of the employer. An entrepreneur, however, has complete freedom to visit as many as they like, where they may make a lot of connections with other competitors. In conclusion, I think owning a business has many advantages. These include becoming free on orders and contributing to many events. However, there is a high risk of doing their own business, so one should consider carefully whether or not to proceed.
Due to advances in technology and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
support from banks, it is becoming
increasingly
common for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to become entrepreneurs
rather
than work for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or organization. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, believe the increased income and freedom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
outweigh the drawbacks.

There are two main disadvantages to starting any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. The greatest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
is,
of course
, investing all their money and effort into a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. Unless they can afford
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
percentage of loss, considering the market is always changing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
owners
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consider the possibility of failure. Another disadvantage is that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
competitors out there working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to steal your customers and take away your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. This means any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a unique
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to sell in the market and to attract more customers.
Because of this
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
owners incur more expenses in marketing and other extra resources like workers and facilities.

On the other hand
, starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is more enjoyable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
(
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
).
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not like to work as an employee and follow orders,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have difficulties following instructions from managers. Having one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
means being able to work
freely
at one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pace. Another benefit of starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is the opportunity to participate in local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
or globally. Attending these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is
still
possible while working for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this would be at the discretion of the employer. An entrepreneur,
however
, has complete freedom to visit as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as they like, where they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
connections with other competitors.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
owning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages. These include becoming free on orders and contributing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
However
, there is a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of doing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
one should consider
carefully
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
to proceed.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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