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Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? v.7

Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? v. 7
Art, such as music, paintings etc. Has always been an integral part of any community's culture and tradition, depicting its rich heritage and the history of its people. In spite of art being an important part of human life, some consider it inessential. In my opinion, art has a major role in human mind development and must be considered equally important to other subjects such as mathematics, science etc. Some sections of the society, on one hand, consider arts subject as a waste of time and promote that subjects such as physics, chemistry, mathematics must be taught more extensively. This is because, many are of them have an opinion that careers in engineering, medical, research etc. Attract higher salaries and a better living. For example, a survey amongst the engineering students in Mumbai revealed that 60% of them choose the field with the intention of landing a high salary job. However, this conception is wrong as there are many promising opportunities in the field of arts too. Many those who consider art as inessential, are unaware about its advantages in the brain development. Art has been proven to enhance the cognitive ability of children as well as adults. It helps the learner to be more creative; the skill which will prove to be very useful in today's competitive world. For example, in a survey conducted by the National Human Resource Management, out of 100, 000 respondents, 30, 000 responded saying to have taken some sort of artistic classes in their early childhood days which helped them to be successful in their lives. In conclusion, the subject of art has brought many developments into our lives, and in my opinion is an important part of human civilization. The negative implication of learning art, that it does not help find better opportunities, is outweighed by the role it plays in the development of the human mind.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
, such as music, paintings etc. Has always been an integral part of any community's culture and tradition, depicting its rich heritage and the history of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
being an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consider it inessential. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has a major role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
mind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be considered
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as mathematics, science etc.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sections of the society, on one hand, consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
as a waste of time and promote that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as physics, chemistry, mathematics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taught
more
extensively
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are of them have an opinion that careers in engineering, medical, research etc. Attract higher salaries and a better living.
For example
, a survey amongst the engineering students in Mumbai revealed that 60% of them choose the field with the intention of landing a high salary job.
However
, this conception is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
promising opportunities in the field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
too.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
those who consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as inessential, are unaware about its advantages in the brain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
has
been proven
to enhance the cognitive ability of children
as well
as adults. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the learner to be more creative; the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
which will prove to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's competitive world.
For example
, in a survey conducted by the National
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Human
Resource Management, out of 100, 000 respondents, 30, 000 responded saying to have taken
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of artistic classes in their early childhood days which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to be successful in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developments
into our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, and in my opinion is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
civilization. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implication of learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, that it does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
find better opportunities,
is outweighed
by the role it plays in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
mind.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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