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Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. v.1

Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? v. 1
Many people believe that when choosing the course of study, they should focus on what kinds of careers they can get rather than based on the basis of their interests. While I agree that looking at the types of jobs is very important, I believe that we should not forget about our enjoyment. In my opinion, when we consider the kinds of occupation for our study major, we can get many benefits to our future career. By the time we do research on the prospective job of the course, we would have a clear orientation on the way we will go in the future. Therefore, I believe that students can acquire as much as possible the necessary skill for their future career, which very useful for their own later. Also, if they've already had the basis of knowledge about the major as well as lots of experience during their studies, they would have higher employment opportunities. On the other hand, people often achieve their best results when they really enjoy the process they pass through. If the course they choose is based on their interests, they will feel very satisfied and they can follow, understand it easily. This seems less important but it actually affects very much on the pace of the process they pursue any career. Therefore, it's not only saved their time but also create the best results. Moreover, when they have a great sense of achievement, they would work more effectively. In conclusion, I believe that both the factor should be considered when choosing the course of study.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that when choosing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, they should focus on what kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rather
than based on the basis of their interests. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that looking at the types of jobs is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that we should not forget about our enjoyment.

In my opinion, when we consider the kinds of occupation for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
major, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to our future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. By the time we do research on the prospective job of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
, we would have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
orientation on the way we will go in the future.
Therefore
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that students can acquire as much as possible the necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
for their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
later.
Also
, if they've already had the basis of knowledge about the major
as well
as lots of experience during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
, they would have higher employment opportunities.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
achieve their best results when they
really
enjoy the process they pass through. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
they choose
is based
on their interests, they will feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
satisfied and
they can follow, understand it
easily
. This seems less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it actually affects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much on the pace of the process they pursue any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
.
Therefore
, it's not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
saved their time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
create the best results.
Moreover
, when they have a great sense of achievement, they would work more
effectively
.

In conclusion
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that both the factor should
be considered
when choosing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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