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one of the consequences of the medical care is that people are living longer and expentensy is increasing Do you think this advantage of development overwieghts the disadvantage? v.1

one of the consequences of the medical care is that people are living longer and expentensy is increasing Do you think this advantage of development overwieghts the disadvantage? v. 1
In current society, with the advances in technologies and medical care, a large number of people live longer, and the rate of life expectancy has increased dramatically. Although there are convincing arguments on both sides of this controversial issue, I profoundly agree with this assertion discussing with an increase in the age of the population, both individuals and societies undergo intense conditions, and it has an adverse effect on both of them. On the one hand, it is true that senior citizens living longer than the past have brought about enormous imminent benefits for both societies and families. Family ties, first of all, play a definite rule in a broad number of cultures, and it can be classified into the cultural values of each nation. Since better facilities in the section of medicine assist the older generation to live longer, elderlies can help family members to have a better relationship with each other. In addition, not only can being an old-age be effective for families, but also it can leave a positive effect on society. In fact, it is universally accepted that senior citizens or more skilled and experienced compared to the youth; as a result, they are more likely to become prosperous in the workplace. Having said that, in spite of its benefits for both societies and individuals, there are some crucial drawbacks that should not be taken into account as a minor issue. Firstly, it is believed by some psychologists that older people need to have some special piece of equipment, such as recreational facilities, amusement parks, and well-equipped nursing homes. Admittedly, they are considered as an extra burden in terms of costs for both families and communities. Therefore, the government should allocate a separate budget for providing appropriate amenities for older people. Besides, if the rate of the aging population increased sharply, the government should pay extra pension for all its citizens. A survey conducted by MIT University revealed that the burden of these schemes for the government could be acted as an economic crisis. In conclusion, medical care, as a sign of modern human lives, has much progress in recent years. One of the tremendous impacts of this progression is existing in the aging population for societies. It is obvious that older people are skilled and have more experiences; however, being them in society can enjoy the detrimental effects on the people of those societies.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, with the advances in technologies and medical care,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer, and the rate of life expectancy has increased
dramatically
. Although there are convincing arguments on both sides of this controversial issue, I
profoundly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this assertion discussing with an increase in the age of the population, both individuals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
undergo intense conditions, and it has an adverse effect on both of them.

On the one hand, it is true that senior citizens living longer than the past have brought about enormous imminent benefits for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
ties,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
in a broad number of cultures, and it can
be classified
into the cultural values of each nation. Since better facilities in the section of medicine assist the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer,
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members to have a better relationship with each other.
In addition
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can being an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age be effective for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. In fact, it is
universally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that senior citizens or more skilled and experienced compared to the youth;
as a result
, they are more likely to become prosperous in the workplace.

Having said that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
its benefits for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
and individuals, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crucial drawbacks that should not
be taken
into account as a minor issue.
Firstly
, it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
psychologists that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special piece of equipment, such as recreational facilities, amusement parks, and well-equipped nursing homes.
Admittedly
, they
are considered
as an extra burden in terms of costs for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and communities.
Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should allocate a separate budget for providing appropriate amenities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Besides
, if the rate of the aging population increased
sharply
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should pay extra pension for all its citizens. A survey conducted by MIT University revealed that the burden of these schemes for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
be acted
as an economic crisis.

In conclusion
, medical care, as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of modern human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, has much progress in recent years. One of the tremendous impacts of this progression is existing in the aging population for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
. It is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are skilled
and have more experiences;
however
, being them in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can enjoy the detrimental effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay one of the consequences of the medical care is that people are living longer and expentensy is increasing Do you think this advantage of development overwieghts the disadvantage? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
399 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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