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Some people claim that living in big cities is creating difficulties whereas others think it makes easier. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people claim that living in big cities is creating difficulties whereas others think it makes easier. v. 1
Is it noteworthy that as of right now, numerous species of animals have their numbers declining at drastic rates. In recent years, there has been an upsurge in poaching and illegal trafficking of animal parts. Namely rhino horns, elephant tusks and pangolin scales. These activities have been driven by the increasing demand, where China is the biggest consumer market for such products. In fact, last month in Singapore, there was a large shipment of Elephant tusks and Pangolin seized. Most of these animals have been hunted and exploited for their body parts. Some animals are even left to bleed to death after hunters chop off what they want. The ivory from the tusks are often carved into ornaments and jewellery. Furthermore, these items have become increasingly common for use as a status symbol to display success and wealth. Rhino horns and Pangolin scales are also demanded in the Asian market as they are being used in traditional Chinese medicine, despite no proven medicinal benefit from their use. There is no doubt that human impact is the key factor contributing to make the situation worse. Therefore, raising awareness of people is the wisest and most sustainable solution in this urgent circumstance. Wildlife organisations could raise campaigns to encourage people to stay away from the luxury goods that are made from animal parts and opt for artificial ones instead. The government could also implement more stringent laws and heftier fines on illegal trafficking of animal parts. They could also provide more funding for nature reserves and wildlife sanctuaries, who will take in some of the wounded animals to nurse them back to full fitness before releasing them into the wild again. In conclusion, human intervention are a main cause of animals nearing extinction. But, by following the above methods, I believe we would see a decline in poaching activities as well as the number of these animal species who will be able to roam freely again.
Is it noteworthy that as of right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, numerous species of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have their numbers declining at drastic rates. In recent years, there has been an upsurge in poaching and illegal trafficking of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parts
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Namely
rhino horns, elephant tusks and pangolin scales. These activities have
been driven
by the increasing demand, where China is the biggest consumer market for such products.

In fact, last month in Singapore, there was a large shipment of Elephant tusks and Pangolin seized. Most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have
been hunted
and exploited for their body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parts
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to bleed to death after hunters chop off what they want. The ivory from the tusks are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
carved into ornaments and
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
.
Furthermore
, these items have become
increasingly
common for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
as a status symbol to display success and wealth. Rhino horns and Pangolin scales are
also
demanded in the Asian market as they are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in traditional Chinese medicine, despite no proven medicinal benefit from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.

There is no doubt that human impact is the key factor contributing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the situation worse.
Therefore
, raising awareness of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is the wisest and most sustainable solution in this urgent circumstance. Wildlife
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
could raise campaigns to encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to stay away from the luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
that
are made
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parts
and opt for artificial ones
instead
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
also
implement more stringent laws and heftier fines on illegal trafficking of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parts
. They could
also
provide more funding for nature reserves and wildlife sanctuaries, who will take in
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
wounded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
to nurse them back to full fitness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
releasing them into the wild again.

In conclusion
, human intervention are a main cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
nearing extinction.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, by following the above methods, I believe we would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a decline in poaching activities
as well
as the number of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species who will be able to roam
freely
again.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people claim that living in big cities is creating difficulties whereas others think it makes easier. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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