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Some people choose to have their first child at an older age. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Some people choose to have their first child at an older age. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
These days, the amount of assault on media is growing. While some people argue that this trend will undoubtedly lead humans to dangerous future, others claim that it has no damaging effect on the society. I believe that in most cases, media disorder doesn't affect people's behaviour. Firstly, I think that people act from their motives, regardless what they see on the television. That is to say, if someone intends to do harm to somebody, that is not because of watching TV or playing computer games, but due to that person's character and education. Although it is generally considered that violent media accustoms viewer to cruelty, I doubt this opinion. In my view, reasonable and intelligent people treat others humanely irrespective of what they see or hear in fictional stories. Moreover, video games and television may even reduce social disturbance by providing a safe outlet for aggressiveness. In other words, truculent people may fight in virtual reality instead of evincing their combative spirit in the real world. This may not only help those people, but also reduce the level of social bloodshed in long-term perspective. Finally, despite many claims and assumptions about the negative effects of television and computer games I have never seen any proven connection between violent media and illegal activities in social life. Taking everything into consideration, I would say that violence in contemporary media has no substantial influence on people's behaviour. Television and computers are not the main factors that shape personal character, and they can even be useful in reducing the level of violence.
These days, the amount of assault on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is growing. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that this trend will
undoubtedly
lead humans to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
future, others claim that it has no damaging effect on the society. I believe that
in most cases
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
disorder doesn't affect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

Firstly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
act from their motives, regardless what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
That is
to say, if someone intends to do harm to somebody,
that is
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of watching TV or playing computer games,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to that person's character and education. Although it is
generally
considered that violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
accustoms viewer to cruelty, I doubt this opinion. In my view, reasonable and intelligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
treat others
humanely
irrespective of what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
or hear in fictional stories.

Moreover
, video games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
may even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
social disturbance by providing a safe outlet for aggressiveness.
In other words
, truculent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may fight in virtual reality
instead
of evincing their combative spirit in the real world. This may not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the level of social bloodshed in long-term perspective.

Finally
, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
claims and assumptions about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and computer games I have never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
any proven
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and illegal activities in social life.

Taking everything into consideration, I would say that violence in contemporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has no substantial influence on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
and computers are not the main factors that shape personal character, and they can even be useful in reducing the level of violence.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people choose to have their first child at an older age. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
259 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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