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Some people choose to have their first child at an older age. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

Some people choose to have their first child at an older age. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
it is often true that in recent years, the numbers of people who decide to have their first children at an elderly has increased substantially. The reasons for this will be discussed in the below essay, for me personally, I concur with its advantages. first and foremost, there are two main principal explanations, for tending of people to have their first baby at an older age. One of them is the delaying of the age of marriage, consequently, if a couple was married at an older age, they eventually would bring the first child at an older age. For instance, in developed countries the age of marriage in many cities has become thirty, while in the past, it was twenty, thus, the outcome from this marriage would be expected to be delivered at thirty first. The second main reason for that is the financial burden on couples at the beginning of their marriage; this might be due to the high expenditure during their marriage ceremony and other marriage requirements, such as house, car, and honeymoon. Hence, they decide to have their first child at an older age, to have enough time for saving money, for proper bringing up of their child. however, if they were in a hurry in bringing their first child, this would minimize the opportunities of their child in an adequate life, and might be deprived of reasonable education and premium healthcare due to the lack of resources. however, some people claim that brought the first baby in older age might result in some health hazards. I believe that disadvantage is ill-founded due to the high-quality healthcare measurements and increased awareness among peoples. By way of conclusion, it seems to me that the merits of old age of first birth would eclipse its demerits.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
true that in recent years, the numbers of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who decide to have their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
children at an elderly has increased
substantially
. The reasons for this will
be discussed
in the below essay, for me
personally
, I concur with its advantages.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
first
and foremost, there are two main principal explanations, for tending of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to have their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
baby at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. One of them is the delaying of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
,
consequently
, if a couple
was married
at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, they
eventually
would bring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cities has become thirty, while in the past, it was twenty,
thus
, the outcome from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
be delivered
at thirty
first
.

The second main reason for
that is
the financial burden on couples at the beginning of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
; this might be due to the high expenditure during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
ceremony and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
requirements, such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, car, and honeymoon.
Hence
, they decide to have their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for saving money, for proper bringing up of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
however
, if they were in a hurry in bringing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, this would minimize the opportunities of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
in an adequate life, and might
be deprived
of reasonable education and premium healthcare due to the lack of resources.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that brought the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
baby in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
might result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health hazards. I believe that disadvantage is ill-founded due to the high-quality healthcare measurements and increased awareness among peoples.

By way of conclusion, it seems to me that the merits of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
birth would eclipse its demerits.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people choose to have their first child at an older age. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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