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In some countries today, people are having their first child when they are older. What are the reasons for this? Do advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.3

In some countries today, people are having their first child when they are older. What are the reasons for this? Do advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3
Nowadays, there are people who think that having their offspring when they are older is the best choice to make. Because society’s changes like giving more opportunities to women to have jobs and improve career-wise may be the reasons to make this decision. The benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Women have the opportunities to apply and get different type of jobs unlike years ago; therefore, people do not consider having children the first priority on their lives anymore. For instance, the number of women who are housewife has reduced lately, because now they can also be an economic support for their household by applying to jobs and working as the men have used to do always. On the other hand, education regulations have also changed in most of the countries in order to give women the chance to study and get technical or professional degrees to serve the community and work to fulfill themselves. Universities, for example, are the proof that women have continued their studies after finishing high school and it supports the idea of women having children at older ages after finalizing their career studies. In regards to the aforementioned, the benefits exceed the disadvantages, these last could be relating to the advanced aged when the women decide to have a baby. Consequently, babies could born with deformities to which the medical advances have reduced this risk and would probably keep doing so until this will no longer be a problem. In saying so, women’s improvement on social opportunities and respect about their rights outweigh the cons. To conclude, people are deciding to have children when they are older, because the women are taking a different role on society and the education opportunities which highlight their purposes on life exceed the disadvantages.
Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that having their offspring when they are older is the best choice to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
society’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
like giving more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to have jobs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
career-wise may be the reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this decision. The benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

Women have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
to apply and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
type of jobs unlike years ago;
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not consider having children the
first
priority on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
anymore.
For instance
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who are housewife has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
lately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they can
also
be an economic support for their household by applying to jobs and working as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do always.

On the other hand
, education regulations have
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in most of the countries in order to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
the chance to study and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
technical or professional degrees to serve the community and work to fulfill themselves. Universities,
for example
, are the proof that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have continued their studies after finishing high school and it supports the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
having children at older ages after finalizing their career studies.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
In regards to
the aforementioned, the benefits exceed the disadvantages, these last could be relating to the advanced aged when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
decide to have a baby.
Consequently
, babies could
Did you mean "have born" or "bear"?
born
with deformities to which the medical advances have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and would
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
until this will no longer be a problem. In saying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
improvement on social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
and respect about their rights outweigh the cons.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are deciding to have children when they are older,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are taking a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
role on society and the education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
which highlight their purposes on life exceed the disadvantages.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries today, people are having their first child when they are older. What are the reasons for this? Do advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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