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Some people choose to eat not meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own healthbut also benefits the world as a whole. Discuss this view and give your opinion? v.1

Some people choose to eat not meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own healthbut also benefits the world as a whole. Discuss this view and give your opinion? v. 1
Humans were omnivorous from the dawn of time, but a trend of vegetarianism is on the rise nowadays. Most people adopt this vegan lifestyle and believe that it is not only beneficial to the body, but for the whole world as well. I would discuss and analyse this view in detail before voicing my opinion. To begin with, consuming vegetables alone are beneficial to the body to a certain extent only, for lack of meat from the diet may lead to health problems. To elaborate, meat and fish are rich in essential amino acids, which are absent in plants, therefore consumption of vegetables alone for a long period can lead to certain deficiency diseases. Furthermore, over consumption of vegetables can also lead to health ailments. For instance, tomato is rich in a chemical known as oxalic acid, if consumed excessively will lead to the formation of kidney stones. Whereas, the notion that avoiding meat will benefit the world is quite contradicting. Firstly, imagine if the whole world became vegetarian, it would severely affect the agricultural and animal husbandry sector leading to its global shutdown. Eventually, leading to a global economic crisis, which may take years to recover, as most industries and tourism sectors heavily rely upon the meat market. Secondly, there would be an imbalance in the ecosystem, since the domestic animals will rise in number and lead to issues such as overpopulation and overgrazing. Finally, the most kernel fact to notice is that there would not be enough land to cultivate crops to feed the current population. A study conducted by students in a London university concluded that we need five times the present farmlands if all of humanity turned vegan. In conclusion, while analysing the above written facts, I would opine that the idea of choosing vegetarianism for the benefit of the individual self and the whole world is quite ludicrous and inane, and would therefore suggest the need to add meat to the daily diet.
Humans were omnivorous from the dawn of time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a trend of vegetarianism is on the rise nowadays. Most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
adopt this vegan lifestyle and believe that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
beneficial to the body,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
as well
. I would discuss and
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
this view in detail
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
voicing my opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, consuming vegetables alone are beneficial to the body to a certain extent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, for lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meat
from the diet may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to health problems. To elaborate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meat
and fish are rich in essential amino acids, which are absent in plants,
therefore
consumption of vegetables alone for a long period can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to certain deficiency diseases.
Furthermore
, over consumption of vegetables can
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to health ailments.
For instance
, tomato is rich in a chemical known as
Possible spelling mistake found.
oxalic
acid, if consumed
excessively
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to the formation of kidney stones.

“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the notion that avoiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meat
will benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is quite contradicting.
Firstly
, imagine if the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
became vegetarian, it would
severely
affect the agricultural and animal husbandry sector leading to its global shutdown.
Eventually
, leading to a global economic crisis, which may take years to recover, as most industries and tourism sectors
heavily
rely upon the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meat
market.
Secondly
, there would be an imbalance in the ecosystem, since the domestic animals will rise in number and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to issues such as overpopulation and overgrazing.
Finally
, the most kernel fact to notice is that there would not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
land to cultivate crops to feed the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
population. A study conducted by students in a London university concluded that we need five times the present farmlands if
Consider using "all humanity" or "all of the humanity".
all of humanity
turned vegan.

In conclusion
, while
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
the above written facts, I would opine that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of choosing vegetarianism for the benefit of the individual self and the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is quite ludicrous and inane, and would
therefore
suggest the need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meat
to the daily diet.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some people choose to eat not meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own healthbut also benefits the world as a whole. Discuss this view and give your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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