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Some people believe that zoos have no useful purposes. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? v.1

Some people believe that zoos have no useful purposes. v. 1
In this modern era, many people pay a high expenditure to buy tickets for attending cultural or sport ceremonies. In my opinion, I entirely agree that this kind of activities is positive for a number of reasons. A valid reason for this is that such events help to alleviate stress of work. That is to say, it could decrease all the pressure and tension associated with the work schedule. As a result, it works as a psychological therapy for many health-related problems. However, if an individual does not have such events, he might not be able to get rid of all negative energy and re-energize himself. Another point to consider is that attending these events assist the individual to broaden horizons. This is because respect and appreciate other cultural values can be learned. For example, attending the Chinese food festival in Dubai assist to know more about their culture and way of living. Moreover, it would widen the social network by introducing to a new people there, and even it could help to learn some foreign language terms. Finally, this kind of event has a financial merit. This is due to supporting of the tourism industry that represents a crucial source of money to these countries. For instance, the world cup in south Africa brought a lot of resources to the economy for this country, and it provided many job opportunities which support a lot of families there. Therefore, it could not only support financial status by tourist expenders but also boost the world economy through marketing and competition. In conclusion, it seems to me that these events give positive merits for individual and community by relieving stress, broadening horizons and supporting tourism.
In this modern era,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
pay a high expenditure to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
tickets for attending cultural or sport ceremonies. In my opinion, I
entirely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this kind of activities is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for a number of reasons.

A valid reason for this is that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to alleviate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of work.
That is
to say, it could decrease all the pressure and tension associated with the work schedule.
As a result
, it works as a psychological therapy for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health-related problems.
However
, if an individual does not have such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, he might not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
energy and re-energize himself.

Another point to consider is that attending these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
assist the individual to broaden horizons. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
respect and appreciate other cultural values can
be learned
.
For example
, attending the Chinese food festival in Dubai assist to know more about their culture and way of living.
Moreover
, it would widen the social network by introducing to a new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
there, and even it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
foreign language terms.

Finally
, this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
has a financial merit. This is due to supporting of the tourism industry that represents a crucial source of money to these countries.
For instance
, the world cup in
Capitalize specific, well-defined geographical regions: "South Africa"
south Africa
brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
resources to the economy for this country, and it provided
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
job opportunities which support
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
families there.
Therefore
, it could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
support financial status by tourist
Possible spelling mistake found.
expenders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
boost the world economy through marketing and competition.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
merits for individual and community by relieving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, broadening horizons and supporting tourism.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people believe that zoos have no useful purposes. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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