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Some people believe that young people should spend more time at home and less time outside the home, others disagree, discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that young people should spend more time at home and less time outside the home, others disagree, v. 1
In the present, the new development technology has been admiring the economy of nations. In that the extremely large level of job and new opportunities are available and that can get high pay for new employees, it's good for the country; However, few mankind believes that national society gets to rule for employment to a certain level of working allowance. Also, the government is more restriction on the company for paying to their employees. If asked to support, I partially agree with the given statement and will elaborate further. Modern development country has small numbers of people they get extremely paid for their job. Moreover, they can not too much work rather than the other hard-working job because those humans could a perfect period to work. The other thing is that they can quality work so some believe that this is good for our country and also the growth of our economy. For instance, a fresher student is working on the largest IT company in this he can give a particular period to complete his work. Additionally, he has to smart work and gets more salary. Those types of jobs such as teacher, manager, accountant and many more. On the other hand, a few credits that the governments should make very hard rules for the employees that are the people cannot satisfied with this law. In that our government has to make a few levels are demonstrated categories of job and its paid. For example, an engineer is working on a machinery company in that he works a lot and its salary is very low that the people not satisfied with government rules and regulations. So, people believe that it's not perfect for the growing country. To conclude, hard-working people have not many salaries, while, the high-level work or the smart-working people has high paid. In my opinion, the government should change the rule for the company as well as the employees to get work and its salary.
In the present, the new development technology has been admiring the economy of nations. In that the
extremely
large level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and new opportunities are available and that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
high pay for new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the country;
However
,
Possible agreement error. The noun mankind seems to be uncountable; consider using: "little mankind".
few mankind
believes that national society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rule
for employment to a certain level of working allowance.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is more restriction on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
for paying to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. If asked to support, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement and will elaborate
further
.

Modern development country has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
extremely
paid for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Moreover
, they can not too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
rather
than the other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those humans could a perfect period to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. The other thing is that they can quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for our country and
also
the growth of our economy.
For instance
, a fresher student is working on the largest IT
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in this he can give a particular period to complete his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Additionally
, he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
. Those types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
such as teacher, manager, accountant and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

On the other hand
, a few credits that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
that are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
The verb 'cannot' requires the base form of the verb: "satisfy"
satisfied
with this law. In that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a few levels
are demonstrated
categories of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and its paid.
For example
, an engineer is working on a machinery
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in that he works a lot and its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not satisfied with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
and regulations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it's not perfect for the growing country.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
, while, the high-level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or the smart-working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
high paid. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rule
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people believe that young people should spend more time at home and less time outside the home, others disagree, v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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