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Some people believe that young people benefit from working while studying at school or university. Others think that young people will achieve more by focussing on their studies. Discuss both of the view points and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. days? v.1

Some people believe that young people benefit from working while studying at school or university. Others think that young people will achieve more by focussing on their studies. days? v. 1
Nowadays, some people believe that young people will benefit from working while studying. Meanwhile, the others think that the youth will achieve more by focusing on their studying rather than get a part time job. In these days, with the modern technology, people can study anywhere anytime, it is no doubt that they still have good marks even when doing part time jobs if they can manage their time well. I agree that young people benefit from working while studying at school or university. Firstly, when students focussing on their studies, they can understand all the knowledge and get a high score at school. This score is very important for them to achieve excellent or good results so as not to stay in the same grade. Especially in grade twelve, the marks will decide if you can come to university or not. And in university, which is a very important place for student to accumulate knowledge one last time before going to work for real, they must need extra attention to studying Secondly, when they focus on their studies more than the others who work part time jobs, when getting a new job, because of the large knowledge they earn to the long studying pass, they can get a high job more than people who work while study. That can lead them to get higher and higher job and even become the boss, when people spend their younger days both working and studying can not get that much. It is true that young people will achieve a lots by focussing on their studies, but in some cases the youth who working while studying still get the same success as the youth who focussing on their studying. That is because they know how to arrange time and have the right way to study. By doing part-time job, it can help them gain more experience that can help their job in the future. Moreover, students can learn how to manage their money in the right way, they will also understand the value of money. In addition, they can also earn money through the work they do, it can be useful for their studying, some students even earn extra pocket money or saving it for the future. To conclude, focussing on studies is really important, and it seems like to get good marks, students can just focus studying and don’t need to work. But nowadays, with the modern technology, pupil can reduce their study time a lot and can still do jobs for more benefit. I do agree that young people benefit from working while studying at school or university.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
believe that
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young
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people
will
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benefit
from
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working
while
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studying
. Meanwhile, the others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the youth will achieve more by focusing on their
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studying
rather
than
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get
a part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. In these days, with the modern technology,
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people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
anywhere anytime, it is no doubt that they
still
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks even when doing part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
if they can manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
well. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
at school or university.

Firstly
, when
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students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focussing
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
, they can understand all the knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high score at school. This score is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
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important
for them to achieve excellent or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
results
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so
as not to stay in the same grade.
Especially
in grade twelve, the marks will decide if you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to university or not. And in university, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to accumulate knowledge one last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for real, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
need extra attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
Secondly
, when they focus on their
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studies
more than the others
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who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, when getting a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the large knowledge they earn to the long
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studying
pass, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. That can lead them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher and higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and even become the boss, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their younger days both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
that much.

It is true that
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will achieve a lots by
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focussing
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases the youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the same success as the youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focussing
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know how to arrange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and have the right way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. By doing part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them gain more experience that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the future.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can learn how to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in the right way, they will
also
understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
In addition
, they can
also
earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they do, it can be useful for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
even earn extra pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
or saving it for the future.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focussing
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, and it seems like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
and don’t need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
nowadays, with the modern technology, pupil can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
a lot and can
still
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
. I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
at school or university.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
78Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that young people benefit from working while studying at school or university. Others think that young people will achieve more by focussing on their studies. days? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
437 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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