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Some people think that having a set retirement (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. v.1

Some people think that having a set retirement (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. v. 1
These days, the topic of early retirement is much discussed. Some people believe that setting a fixed retirement age for all employees is unfair. In their opinion, people working in certain sectors should be allowed to retire early. I agree with that view. To begin with, not all jobs are the same in terms of mental or physical demands. Certain jobs are more mentally or physically strenuous and people performing those jobs should receive early retirement. It will benefit the society as well as them. A recent study showed that people who work in physically and mentally demanding occupations might suffer from dementia if they continue working in the same occupation after turning fifty. If these people are not allowed to retire early they will become a burden on their company because of their low productivity. There are also certain jobs that are better suited for youngsters than seniors. For example, driving a truck or waiting on tables requires greater levels of physical fitness. Such jobs are suited for young people. Likewise, aeroplane pilots also deserve early retirement because as they age their vision deteriorates and that could be a flight hazard. There are also certain jobs that no one wants to do. For example, few people are interested in cleaning sewage or collecting garbage. The government can encourage more people to take up such jobs by offering them early retirement. Lastly, firefighters also deserve early retirement because of their sacrifices and readiness to protect lives and also because their work is very demanding physically and mentally. To conclude, I strongly agree that some workers should be entitled to an early retirement. While fixing the age of retirement for each occupation, the government should consider the demands of the job.
These days, the topic of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
is much discussed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that setting a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age for all employees is unfair. In their opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
sectors should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to retire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are the same in terms of mental or physical demands.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are more mentally or
physically
strenuous and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
performing those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
should receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. It will benefit the society
as well
as them. A recent study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who work in
physically
and mentally demanding occupations might suffer from dementia if they continue working in the same occupation after turning fifty.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to retire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
they will become a burden on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their low productivity.

There are
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that are better suited for youngsters than seniors.
For example
, driving a truck or waiting on tables requires greater levels of physical fitness. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are suited
for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Likewise
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'aeroplane' is British English.
aeroplane
pilots
also
deserve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as they age their vision deteriorates and that could be a flight hazard. There are
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that no one wants to do.
For example
, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
in cleaning sewage or collecting garbage. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can encourage more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take up such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
by offering them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
.
Lastly
, firefighters
also
deserve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their sacrifices and readiness to protect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their work is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
demanding
physically
and mentally.

To conclude
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
workers should
be entitled
to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. While fixing the age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
for each occupation, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should consider the demands of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that having a set retirement (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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